Give Me Jesus

"You can have all this world, just give me Jesus!"

This past weekend I went to NOVA to see my best friend for her birthday. As crazy as things have been for me lately (as I'm sure you read in my last post), it was great to get away for a mini vaca and spend time with her. It was not only comfort for me to get away, but it was comfort to get away and be with the person who probably knows me best. I am able to just strip myself down to who I am and she will always accept me. Not to say her and I haven't had some bumps, but what friendship doesn't. Anyway, so she wanted to go to this church called LifePoint on Sunday so I was down. We seriously could not find this place. We drove around Fredricksburg for 30 minutes trying to find it. We went to this other church and asked a couple in the parking lot if they knew where it was, and luckily they knew where the school was that it was being held in. Praise God we got there, late, but we got there. We missed a good part of the worship which I was bummed about because that can really be my way of expressing love for my Savior, but then a pastor (a LU grad) got up and just started out by saying he didn't care if what he was about to talk about was going to offend people because he was going to talk about Truth. He started talking about how our world now is a "my right" society. Everyone thinks they can do what they want, and say what they want because it is "their right". Obviously, that is ridiculous! Sure, we have rights, but there are limits on those rights. Anyway, he also talked about how Christians today may have a lot of head knowledge about Jesus, but not enough application. We become a child of demands instead of bowing down before our King! I have been guilty of this. Alot. When I pray, I find that I am going through the list of things that I need help with or even things that I just plain want. I fail to remember that I am speaking to an All-Powerful, Mighty, KING who deserves for me to fall down on my face and just be thankful. He deserves for me to just surrender. And surrender everything, not just the things I am willing to give up. Those things that I cling so tightly to...those are the things I must surrender most.

Stop This Train

This will be yet another post mainly to help my thoughts get placed together. John Mayer spoke to my heart as I was driving today "Honestly, won't someone just stop this train". This is how I feel today. To catch everyone up to speed, I was involved in a car accident on my way to Florida on spring break. 2 of my friends, Marlene and Danielle, were with me...no one was hurt to the point of needing long-term medical assistance, but we did go that night so the girls could get checked out. I am totally fine, which somehow does not seem completely fair since I was the one driving the car. Everyone keeps re-assuring me that 1)this accident was not my fault, so I shouldn't feel bad, and 2)it was good I was not injured so I could help my friends. I haven't seen it this way. I see it as I should have been the one who was hurt the worst. That is me trying to take on too much for myself though, which I ALWAYS do! God gets tired of me doing that, I'm sure! So anyways, since then I have been on the phone EVERY SINGLE DAY with insurance companies. Luckily, I was not at fault...it was the guy 2 cars behind me who was, so he is getting hit with all kinds of bills, but I don't care whose fault it is...it is a hassle for everyone to deal with!! I have been sleeping really well at night, but I am still exhausted! I need a vacation from my vacation!
So today has been awful because I had to take my car to the adjuster of the guy at fault and he proceeds to tell me that my car is looking at total loss. I love my car and I didn't realize how much! It is awful for me to feel so strongly towards something so material, but I think there are a few factors here...1)my dad gave me that car as a graduation gift after high school, so it has sentimental value to me because it involves him, 2)that car has had SOOO many memories in it! 3)I normally am the friend who takes everyone everywhere, so my car has bonded with people. (I know this is silly, but hence why we have blogs so I can get my feeling written out), and 4)this car has never given me any problems! I'm really going to miss it if it's time for it to go. Who knows what will happen now. Right now I am driving around a rental, a mazda 6, which is a nice car, but I want mine haha.
Then I just feel sick. My back and neck have started hurting me worse, probably just from being sore afterwards, so now I need to make a docs appointment. Then I was stupid and signed up to do a handwriting assignment (Which I will get paid for, PTL), but why did I do this when I don't have time?! I am traveling the next 3 weekends, 2 of those weekends I am running 10ks. I haven't been able to train in the last like 2 weeks, so now I'm out of shape again. I have a friend who I feel I have hurt and I'm scared that we are going to be weird now. I don't like losing people due to my stupidity. I'm just a ball of emotions! I want to cry, but I know if I start...it will take me a while to stop, so since I don't have time to just sit and cry..I blog. It's insane. So to anyone who reads this, please please please pray for me! I am in desperate need of feeling God right now among all of this and I'm so consumed by it all that I'm not allowing myself to stop and just let Him comfort me. So I don't know what else to ask for you to pray about other than just pray that God will be BIG in this. Thanks all.

Unsettled Pieces

Today I have felt very unsettled with my life. For starters, I was writing in my journal about how I have felt weird about God. I can't really say that I feel distance or that I am not satisfied by Him, but something is off. Then there is my longing that I have for more friends. I do not mean this to offend current friends I have, but I felt that at a time, I had a large group and now they have disbanded. I miss having a group that is always ready to actually go and do something or talk about God or just get me the freak out of the house. I mainly miss the conversation piece. I truly love the ones I have in my life, let me clear about that, but I have started to realize that I crave group activities and I crave group discussions about life. As I looked out my window this afternoon at the very dreary day we are having in Lynchburg, I started wondering what more could be out there for me? Does God want me to go anywhere else or am I to stay in Lynchburg longer? And also, is Mr. Right ever going to come? Actually let me first start by saying that I do miss having a group of guy friends. I love my girls, but I am a girl who needs her guy time too. I pretty much only had guy friends growing up, so this period that I am in with my life is very different because I really don't have many guys in my life. I have 2 wonderful guys that I admire and cherish dearly...but where are the others? The 2 that I have, one isn't even in Lynchburg anymore. So if I don't have many guy friends, how am I ever going to have Mr. Right find me? Will he be here in Lynchie? Is God going to take me somewhere else at some point? I realize that all these questions, for me, are actually turning into worries which I am trying not to let overcome me since worrying is not something God wants me to do. He has it all under control. But I do have a free will...where does that come into play? Is God waiting for me to decide to move somewhere? Is He waiting on me to make the first moves in getting new friends? How does that work??

So after going back and forth about some of these issues, and even crying a little about it. (I'm a real emotional person, I know!) I decided to open "My Utmost for His Highest" and read today's entry. It was so cool because I did at least get an answer for my unsettled God issue. It talked about how there will be times in our lives in our journey with Jesus that we will not recognize him. Jesus took on the entire human-self. He experienced hardships and darkness that we deal with in our lives. There may be times when we look at him and see him as that human self and all we can do is stop and stare. We don't recognize him. But we are encouraged to bear through these times of dismay because the outcome will bring us such joy once we start to see him in all Glory. There is more to Jesus than just how he took on human flesh. He is so much beyond our intellectual being that we cannot even begin to number all his characteristics. It will be only through my spiritual growth that I start to see more and more characteristics of him and will start to recognize things I didn't before. This brought me such comfort because obviously that is where I am. I am stopped and just staring at Him, wondering what part of him I am looking at. So obviously it can be unsettling. It's the unknown, yet He knows me. Even as I type this out, my brain can't wrap itself around the whole concept. I don't know if anyone else who reads that will understand that, but I hope it can bring someone clarity like it did me. As for the rest of my unsettled pieces...I will just need to rest assure that everything will fall into place at the right time. I need to make sure I keep surrendering these worries to Him and find joy in what I have.

Determination

There has been a lot on my mind these days. What better way to sort those thoughts than by blogging! First, yesterday I got caught up in my money situation again. I was doing my bills and getting ready to order more of my face products online and I just got so frustrated with how much stuff costs!! I started freaking out because my bank account has never been so low and I realized that this shopaholic is going to HAVE to make some changes. I always justify my purchases because I always manage to get really great deals and I do need some of the things I have bought, but I'm going to have to start sacrificing even the things I may need. It's already really funny on how I think about budget. My view on budget is, ok I won't buy groceries this week because I know I really want this one outfit. So I choose to eat ramen or have a latte count as my meal. Anyway, so last night I gathered several things and started listing them on ebay. I need to selling things to help me get out of my debt. I'm really excited about this because I feel that I am going to have my credit card paid off really quick if I stick to the plan I've made for myself. Determination is key.
So another thought that has been on my mind is how I have let my life become dull. I am always talking about living life to the fullest, but how many days do I go to work, come home and work on school, watch lame tv, and then go to bed?? Where did my adventure go? What happened to Kara the coordinator of all things fun?! Well..she's back! No more boring life Kara. Because when school is over, then what? I'll look back and remember not doing much. BORING! There are things to do, things to see, people to enjoy, friends to love, encouragement that needs to be spread all over!!! I feel the happiest serving my Jesus by serving my friends. And I view serving my friends by simply just hanging out with them! Lots of serving can happen when hanging out with people...making them food, opening your home, listening to their life situations, dancing out the aggression in our lives haha. Whatever! So I began the "bring back fun Kara" by going sledding the other night. It ended up being only 3 people that came, which was fine, but it was so much fun!! There is something about snow that just brings the kid out of everyone! We videoed the whole thing, I fell on my butt I don't know how many times, but it was fantastic! It felt good to be adventurous again. It felt good to be with my best friends. And this week I have been able to fill my days with just plain fun stuff and I've still managed to get school and work done. I sleep a little less, but that's ok. Well those are my thoughts for now. Thanks for reading :)

Affection

I am starting to realize how much of an affectionate person I am. This really makes me full of joy and I think it is because of my mom. As a disclaimer, I love my mom more than I thought I could love anyone. We have a special bond that I don't think is like other mother-daughter relationships I've seen. So what I am about to say is not suppose to be a total negative look at her, but my mom is just not an affectionate person. It's funny because we both probably look totally awkward if we ever hug or kiss each other. That part of us is actually kind of new. I know this might sound weird, but this is what I meant about us having a different kind of relationship. She does not really think to hug people in greeting them, her way of comforting is normally in words or in an act of service. She is not a physical touch woman. It is cool to see how God had her marry a totally affectionate man though! My dad was ALL about physical touch! I know that most men probably are, but he was in the sweetest sense. I remember every single night that he would come home from work, I was normally on the couch doing homework or watching tv and he would always come in "Hey Sweets!!" And come and kiss me on my forehead and stroke my hair as he asked how my day was before he went to change clothes. Every single night! And then some nights or days that I would be in my room for an extended period of time, he would come upstairs and start hugging on me and just wanting to talk. He needed to touch me in some way every time I entered a room. It used to get on my last nerves and I would pull the whole, "daaaad!!" haha. I miss it now though. He was the same with my mom. I remember on Sunday afternoons, they would normally curl up on the couch together and fall asleep watching football. I didn't realize until now how precious that was for me to observe. I got to truly see my parents be loving their entire 26 years of marriage. What a gift! (Thank you, Lord!). So in finding that I am more like my dad really soothes me. Internally, I always had the fear that I would be more closed to affection like my mom. Although, it isn't that she is closed, that just isn't her personality. But I find that I just love physical touch. I am starting to be like my dad...with every friend I see and even new ones that I greet, I have to touch them. I know once I get into a relationship, we may be sitting in a restaurant, and I will be the one who will need to reach out every now and then just to have him touch me for a few seconds, then I'll be fine :). I love cuddling, hand holding, hugging, kissing, a simple brush of the arm, fingers through the hair, arm around me as I walk. Even as I type these things, I smile. I find that I end up blogging a lot about what warms my heart, but I truly do feel that! A warmth in my heart when things are just how they should be. I'm glad God created us to be people of love and affection. I'm glad I am a touchy expression of affection.

Coffee Date

I'm in the mood to blog and I'm not real sure what about, but I am feeling stressed and I find that the best thing for me to do is to just write. This week has been a real whirlwind. That doesn't make it much different from other weeks, I love staying busy. I love leaving one thing and going right into the next. I don't have to have much downtime :) Altho when I think about it, some of those activities I do are downtime with friends. I started this week with a new routine of going to the Muse every morning. This quaint little coffee shop is right down the street from where I live. It's rather convenient. Especially for my love of coffee!! I decided to start doing this as a help to me for 2 reasons. The first is the most important. I must confess that my time in the Word lately has been severely lacking due to my laziness. Lame-o!! I have never been one to want to make my daily time with God something to add to a to-do list, but at the same time...it's what I need to do. Just like making time for any friend I have in my life, for the most important person ever, deserves MUCH more attention, SO I had to pencil Jesus in every morning on my schedule. I need to start with God and end with God. Everyday. I also was starting to realize that simply staying in my house to read my Bible and pray was making my perspective of "God-time" seem dull. And dull does not equal God. SO! In lieu of the fact that I am SUCH an extroverted people person, I needed to find a quiet but public place to go. I feel more connected to God when I am connected to others. I love being surrounded by others as I read how to be more like Him and as I pray for others. It warms my heart. So that is what I do. My second reason in doing this is so that I am more productive at my job. I found that I was running into my job late every morning and feeling panic as I started the 50,000 tasks Jarad leaves for me to do everyday. Now, I enter my office feeling peace and I'm ready to tackle whatever is thrown at me. I am totally excited about this new routine. I am ready to be renewed in different areas in my life. Life's a dance, learn as you go :)

Girl Bashing

Sorry girls but I am abandoning our gender today in terms of how we treat men. This will not apply to ALL women, but I have started making some clear observations on some girls who are just absolutely ridiculous! And I've had it! I will be directing my bashing on two types on women. Let's start with the first, "The un-deserving ones". These are the type that CHOOSE to linger on men, actually BOYS, that don't have their act together and treat women like crap! Girls, why are you even friends with these guys?! He obviously (to quote that new movie) is just not that into you! Do not continue to allow him to take advantage of you! Drop him! It is a lie for you to believe that this guy will change once you are in a relationship. It is a lie to believe that you deserve this guy. God did not design relationships to be this way. I can speak from experience that you put everything into this man, you serve him unconditionally only to be heart-broken because he does not reflect the same feelings back. He does not serve you, he uses you. He takes advantage of you. You are a convenience to him! When he is lonely, he calls you. Don't for one minute think that he is being a true, real friend or boyfriend to you. You don't need to waste your time on someone like this. There are real guys out there who do want to be your friend and serve you! They are gentlemen! I am lucky to have found some of these. And there is a man who is worthy to be your husband. He will take care of you and you of him! So stop attaching yourselves to these jerks who don't know how to treat people and then expect "pity conversations" from your friends telling you, "oh he must have just had a bad day, or he'll come around". Lies, lies, lies. You deserve so much more!

The second woman I am speaking to is the "User, non-commitment, flirt". You women make me so mad! Maybe you are sitting there wondering if that fits you...let me clarify exactly what I mean. These are the women that I think, unfortunately, a lot of guy get attracted to. Why, I have no idea. These are women who have lots of guys who are after them, but the girl does not feel the same, yet she continues to lead them on. She may have already let the guy know that there is no interest on her part, but she continues to call the guy constantly...she goes everywhere that he goes. When she talks to him, she is pretty much throwing herself on him by constantly grabbing his arm, or hugging him, or laughing a little too much at his jokes. This is confusing for guys, ladies! Don't do this! I'm not saying you can't be friends with this guy, but remember that continuing to flirt in the same way that you want to is not appropriate. And also, we all know that you are pretty so as you are talking, stop looking around the room to see who is checking you out! I hate that! I see this happen so much!! Girls will toss their hair, giggle a lot (even with girls) and the whole time their friend is telling them this in-depth story, they are checking out the scene to see if anyone is noticing her. Ugh! Stop! And I'm sorry to say that I am noticing that a lot of college girls do this. It's so unattractive! I'm sure I was like this to a certain degree maybe in high school, but I wish I had someone to tell me what I'm saying now because honestly, I must have looked like a total idiot and I was making myself seem available when I wasn't. Which brings me to another point about these girls...they talk about how being in commitments doesn't make them feel free. They can't be who they want to be in relationships, that is total BS! Since when does a relationship confine you to be who you want to be?! It's a matter of the right person coming along to be with you to support you in who you are! So stop being this total flirt to these amazing guys who actually want a commitment, but are wasting their time on you who isn't looking for anything. There are some of us who are waiting for these committed guys to find us who are ready to be in a relationship and stop all this "dating guy to guy" business. I'm sure I'm not the only girl who has or does feel this way and I'm sorry to be so brash, but enough is enough! Ok The end :)