I have a serious disorder called control. I am constantly trying to take the wheel or sit in the driver's seat pretending I won't start the car. This week came to head for me last night as I was talking to my boyfriend about future events. It didn't come full circle to me until this morning when I was able to sit in the quiet of the Lord's presence that this has everything to do with a heart issue. I am not practicing patience, I am not leaning on God's understanding, I am not looking to His timing, and I am not seeking His will. I am wanting to go by my own agenda and by doing so I have ended up feeling rushed, unhappy, stressed, and moody. I wonder why.
For those that even take the time to read this blog will discover a little secret. My boyfriend and I are talking marriage. We both are confident in the fact that this is something the Lord has revealed to us both that He placed us together for good. What I know I have failed in is seeking the when, where, etc. I have taken control as I normally do and have done things the way I want them. There is so much going on in both of our lives at the same time that last night I finally started to admit, "maybe soon isn't the best idea". I am extremely anxious to marry this man. Once you find him, you want to just hit "play" and keep going. Especially at this stage in my life. When you are ready, you're ready.
Then I recalled the "practice what you preach". I am constantly telling my best friend and others in relationships to take their time. To enjoy each moment of their relationship bc its the dating phase that is the most fun. I have lost what that is and I am ashamed to admit it. He is still first and foremost my best friend. I have sadly taken away his leadership capabilities and decided things for myself. He has graciously gone along with everything because he only wants me happy and he is that type of person, but it is wrong. HE needs to lead me.
So back I go into the passenger seat. We may figure out that the time-line for this wedding will still take place when we were thinking, but I am calming down about that. God needs to reveal that to my guy. I don't want it revealed to me because then I will run with it again and back to the driver's seat I go. So I may as well get comfortable because the passenger seat is where I belong and where I must stay.
Wednesday, January 25, 2012
Saturday, January 14, 2012
Wakeup call #2
Apparently even on a Saturday morning God did not want me to have any excuse for spending time with Him in the same way I had time yesterday morning. He woke me up again this morning a little closer to 4:30am but I stayed in bed until around 5:30. I finally surrendered any hope of going back to sleep and decided He needed my attention (as if He doesn't deserve my attention anyways).
This morning's lesson was about how many times I want to believe that my mistakes will cause the Lord to be upset with me to a point of loving me less until I understand the severity of my actions. I was reminded this morning of Romans 2:38-39 which speaks to this very lesson. The short version of these verses is that NOTHING can separate me from the love of God. Period. Those verses pretty much touch on any area that I could possibly conj-our up in my pea-headed brain. There is absolutely not reason for me to keep believing in a lie that if I mess up in my walk with God consciously or sub-consciously that HE will love me any less. I am still His daughter. I am still loved beyond measure. He knows every hair that is on my head and formed me in my mother's womb. He knows me inside-out. On days when I think Will knows me better than no other I am wrong. HE knows me and loves me more than even he can.
Bottom line, great wake up call #2.
This morning's lesson was about how many times I want to believe that my mistakes will cause the Lord to be upset with me to a point of loving me less until I understand the severity of my actions. I was reminded this morning of Romans 2:38-39 which speaks to this very lesson. The short version of these verses is that NOTHING can separate me from the love of God. Period. Those verses pretty much touch on any area that I could possibly conj-our up in my pea-headed brain. There is absolutely not reason for me to keep believing in a lie that if I mess up in my walk with God consciously or sub-consciously that HE will love me any less. I am still His daughter. I am still loved beyond measure. He knows every hair that is on my head and formed me in my mother's womb. He knows me inside-out. On days when I think Will knows me better than no other I am wrong. HE knows me and loves me more than even he can.
Bottom line, great wake up call #2.
Friday, January 13, 2012
5am wake up call
God woke me up around 5am this morning. This doesn't happen often but normally when it does, I don't fight trying to go back to sleep because I know I won't get to sleep. I got up, made my coffee, and started my quiet time. I was excited to read what my devotion talked about today because I figured if God had me up this early He obviously had something to say. Funny enough, my devotion was definitely worth reading but not necessarily worth a 5am wake up call. I finished my devotion and journaling my prayers and concerns and still waited for God to explain to me why I am up so early. Then I thought, does God really need to explain Himself to me?? Then I chuckle.
Then I realize as I have a few candles lit, my small decorative (not Christmas) tree lit, and the only sound is my heat cutting on and off that I haven't sat in the stillness for quite some time. Most of my neighbors are beginning to wake up, but there is a stillness this morning and it is very nice. Maybe all God wanted me for this morning was to sit in His stillness. To stop and be quiet for a little while and not really think on anything except just Him. I thought I would feel tired but I don't. In fact, I really do enjoy mornings like this if I can just drag myself out of bed. When I used to wake up really early for my job in Roanoke I actually enjoyed being up before it seemed the rest of the world was. My dad used to wake up early every morning no matter what day of the week it was. I used to think he was crazy and sometimes I still do because I am a person who requires a lot of sleep. I now understand that perhaps dad loved being up so early because it was only in the quiet that he could truly feel the Lord's presence. It was a time where as the rest of the family slept, he could be by himself with no distractions.
I hesitate to write that I would love to continue this tradition because I know it will require me dragging myself out of my comfy bed on mornings where I may not want to be up so early, but I do think God is teaching me a lesson even as I type this post. The reason so many people in Scripture rose early had nothing to do with it just being the culture and everything to do with God wanting us all to reflect on Him first as we rise. We can have this precious time with Him before we become so involved in our to-do lists and priorities at work. I have failed to remember how important this is. I have my QT with Him each morning but its as many thing already have started up. I would wake up already thinking of my to-do list that day, whereas waking this early gives me plenty of time to be with the Lord of Creation FIRST before my brain can even begin to process what the day holds.
My wake up call may not always be 5am, but it definitely needs to be earlier than what I've made it.
Then I realize as I have a few candles lit, my small decorative (not Christmas) tree lit, and the only sound is my heat cutting on and off that I haven't sat in the stillness for quite some time. Most of my neighbors are beginning to wake up, but there is a stillness this morning and it is very nice. Maybe all God wanted me for this morning was to sit in His stillness. To stop and be quiet for a little while and not really think on anything except just Him. I thought I would feel tired but I don't. In fact, I really do enjoy mornings like this if I can just drag myself out of bed. When I used to wake up really early for my job in Roanoke I actually enjoyed being up before it seemed the rest of the world was. My dad used to wake up early every morning no matter what day of the week it was. I used to think he was crazy and sometimes I still do because I am a person who requires a lot of sleep. I now understand that perhaps dad loved being up so early because it was only in the quiet that he could truly feel the Lord's presence. It was a time where as the rest of the family slept, he could be by himself with no distractions.
I hesitate to write that I would love to continue this tradition because I know it will require me dragging myself out of my comfy bed on mornings where I may not want to be up so early, but I do think God is teaching me a lesson even as I type this post. The reason so many people in Scripture rose early had nothing to do with it just being the culture and everything to do with God wanting us all to reflect on Him first as we rise. We can have this precious time with Him before we become so involved in our to-do lists and priorities at work. I have failed to remember how important this is. I have my QT with Him each morning but its as many thing already have started up. I would wake up already thinking of my to-do list that day, whereas waking this early gives me plenty of time to be with the Lord of Creation FIRST before my brain can even begin to process what the day holds.
My wake up call may not always be 5am, but it definitely needs to be earlier than what I've made it.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
