Transition

We all know what it is like to face different seasons of life. Pivotal shifts where relationships come and go, faith is stretched, life circumstances just seem to completely change. I always was under the impression that these "transition periods" would only occur once every few years. Wrong-o! I have come to realize that I am experiencing another pivotal shift in my life as of late. My last transition period was just last year when God just starting moving in my life in such a way that was just rocking my world, most in all good ways. A few relationships faded, one particular broke, but new relationships and experiences happened that outweighed all of that. It was truly an amazing time. One that maybe was a long time coming. Being that this was all just one year ago, I did not see this shift coming. I thought God had brought me to such a place where I felt satisfied with life, a sort of contentment, excited to see where God was moving me, and knowing I was staying with the attitude of all things new!!
Lately I started to feel off the path though. I think, without realizing it, I was making MY plans (again). How often must I go through this?? MY plans never work. It is HIS plans that will bring me joy, peace...fruit. Had I taken my eyes off my Father? No, I don't believe I have. In fact, my relationship with Him in this past year has grown in ways that I could not imagine and it has been awesome!! But you see, just because our eyes might be on God doesn't mean Satan takes any steps back. Satan knows that I can have a controlling tendency and also knows where to hit me when it comes to insecurity. My placement lately has felt off. Am I where God wants me? Am I doing what He wants me to do? How can I be glorifying Him more daily?
It came to my on one of my drives (this is where I have a lot of God-talk time) that I am being put through another transition in my life. My close friends feel that I am on the cusp of something big. God is going to do a big work in me. I think I feel that too. I still have such a frustration in dealing with it though. The process to getting to "that something big" is really tearing me up. My spirit has felt down, my dreams of what I thought life was getting ready to look like has been put away on the back burner, and I continue to hear the word "wait". I do get excited to think about how far I have come since last year and if I am going on another roller coaster ride with my Jesus, then buckle me in! I want my desires to become what He wants, no longer what I want even if they appear to be God things...everything will be brought by prayer and petition first. I cannot go through anymore heartbreak, broken relationships, feelings of despair or loneliness. I also cannot control. It is open hands only from here on out. Transition, here I come...again.

Calling

Wow. It's been a really long time since I've blog about anything! So much has happened since April, it is crazy!! I have so much that God has been doing and teaching me lately. The biggest lesson I am learning right now is to have patience and wait. Wait on God. Wait on the things that He has planned for me, and He DOES have a plan! I have been getting the tug for quite some time to ministry. Ministry is a lifestyle, yes, but I am talking about even occupationally. I am in a period in my life where I think change is about to take place in a big way. A move may happen, it may not. But I getting a sense of urgency to start preparing. What does this preparation period look like? Well, the things that I anticipate I may be getting called to is going to involve me raising quite a bit of money. As most people, I have debt. I have been on the path of getting out of this debt for a while now. I have been making more of a habit to really pray over my debt and to receive victory over it all. God has provided money to come from places I didn't know here and there. It has been pretty awesome. But I need to be more diligent in my financial decisions. I fail at this a lot. I need with this a lot. But I have decided that it is time for me to start seriously taking a look around my house and see what items do I really need? I need to start selling. This will be part of this preparation. That way, if I do move...I will not have much stuff to take with me. And even if God calls me to stay where I am, who needs a bunch of junk anyway?? I can't take it with me when I die. I don't need all these movies that are garbage anyway, I don't need old childhood things that I have saved just because my mom maybe wanted me to keep it around. It is silly. I don't need to do that. So ebay will become a great friend to me. The post office will become one of my best friends as I'm sure I will be spending a good amount of time there. I am excited to see what God brings to me. I know it will involve music. I know it will involve discipleship. Love God, Love People...that should be our mentality anyway right? I am praying and fasting so much about all of this stuff. I don't want to do anything outside of what God tells me. I pray for wisdom and guidance into where He wants me. Who knows if anyone reads this anymore, but if you do. Pray. Not only for me, but pray for where God is constantly trying to take you because He is constantly wanting to take you to new levels with Him. The more we know Him, the more we can share with others!

What I've Become

Today as I had a few minutes of down time at work...obviously still do somewhat or I wouldn't be writing this, I came across several pictures of people on facebook from high school. I drew several conclusions upon gazing at these folks now. My 10 year high school reunion will be in 2012. These same folks pretty much look the same as they did in high school. Most of their pictures involve being drunk, playing drinking games, and dabbing into all kinds of smoking. My first thought was, I was friends with some of them, but only at school. I did not party in high school. I was too busy. But how I escaped not getting sucked into this kind of lifestyle, I will never know. I went to public school and overall I really enjoyed it. I had a few close friends that I held dear to my heart (don't really talk to them anymore), but they didn't really party either so I guess that's why we got along better. I always just looked at the party crowd thinking they were just wasting their life. And now I look at them and think, "gosh, not much as changed, they are still wasting life". Then I think, none of them really know what it means to live a life for Christ and not think it sounds like a bunch of crock. They think it means just living this goody two shoes lifestyle where you don't get to have fun and have to just give up everything.

In high school, most knew of my involvement in church but I was not looked down upon. It did not make them not like me, but they knew I just wasn't that "bad girl". I was the one everyone could talk to about their problems, relationships, and just plain drama. I just got to thinking how thankful I am that God has saved me and protected me from living a life that is meaningless. I am living life for Christ the best I know how with where my journey takes me, and I am having the time of my life. I don't feel like I am missing anything. When I look at these pictures of these people as judging as it may sound, I'm glad I'm not living life the way they are. But this also means reaching out to people like them. They need to know and be able to experience what I'm experiencing!!

I've become a person who lives life to the fullest within the plans and purpose that God has for me, and I LOVE it! :)

Lost Count

My particular situation has changed in terms of I no longer will be keeping track of how many days it takes to get the result. It is not the end result but the journey that is helping me most anyways. Besides that, I have neglected writing in here for over a week now anyways that I just don't remember what day I am on!

This morning I was reaching to do my devotion, but I still had a thought from last night that I felt compelled to write about. Expectations. I find that I place such large expectations on myself and unfortunately sometimes on others. I know I am not alone in this weakness. It is so easy to do, but it is nothing but hurtful to ourselves and to those around us. It is setting ourselves up for disappointment. Last night I had a very bad night emotionally. Thoughts and feelings were brought back up about my dad and it ended up being blown out of proportion. It caused me to take a small step backwards from the release I had been feeling with my grief. And I was getting upset about that. Why??? Because I had placed an expectation on myself that I am not allowed to go backwards in where I have gone with this, and I wasn't allowing myself to feel frustrated towards what was happening. I was trying to be the strength to everyone involved when I know I can't do that. I don't have enough strength within myself to do it. Jesus can absolutely help me and give me strength through Him to handle it all, but I myself cannot.

So then I thought, ya know....the only expectation I can ever have is in Jesus. I know you are thinking, well duh! But obviously it may not be such a "well, duh" thing or more people wouldn't have this struggle of expectation. Jesus is the only one that we can place such a high regard towards in terms of what we should expect from Him. These things that we can expect, because it says in the Word, are things such as peace, comfort, strength, love, joy, power....the list can go on and on. We can have these expectations because even though Jesus was human, He is still God. And God is everything. Now, can we have the expectation that we will find all these things immediately in Him....yes, but it doesn't mean we will ALWAYS feel those things because God is God, but WE are still human. We will sometimes have these walls built up that actually hinders ourselves from God. We don't allow him access because we are still trying to do things ourselves under our own terms. We have to just SURRENDER!

Moral to this post....expectations are bad when they are on ourselves, or others. Place your expectations, frustrations, joys, and love in and on Christ!! He can handle it :)

Day 14- Major Struggle

Today I struggle...this will be an extremely transparent post. This morning I woke up and was journaling as I normally do when I am having my quiet time. I stayed with friends last night and I will again tonight which I love. As I was journaling, I was writing about how heavy my heart is right now about my situation. I feel like I am being defeated by this. I am starting to have no hope of the outcome that I have been imagining. As I reached for my Bible this morning, I started to read in Psalms but then realized that I was too angry at God to be able to want to read His Word. I feel like I am not going to find comfort in anything I could read in there. You need to remember how raw I feel right now so obviously I know that God's Word can bring peace, but I just don't feel it right now. I feel like God is charge of our hearts and my direction in life, but I am constantly having to face disappointment in this particular area in my life. When will my happy ending come? When will my emotions actually be accurate in life with these circumstances? I am fighting tears through and through today. I am at work so I won't be able to have my little cry-fest, which perhaps is better since I may be acting like a total baby. I'm trying to think on the song that goes, "I'll stand, with arms high and heart abandoned". That is all I can basically do at this point anyways. If you all who may be reading this today will just say a little prayer for me. This journey is totally becoming cracked and rocky for me. I need to be carried at this point.

Day 10 and 11

Yesterday was all in all a fairly good day. I got to get some encouraging words from several inspiring women in my life. They are a true source of strength for me when I feel I need to be carried some. This gorgeous weather is also still helping keep spirits up!
This morning I was reminded of how great God's love for us is. I was running late to work and was speeding all kinds of crazy. I then approached an accident scene that if I had been maybe just 5 min. earlier, I could have been involved in. It was then and there that I thought of the lyrics from Oh How He Loves Us. "He is jealous for me"...I realize that there are perhaps many times a day that God saves and protects us all from car accidents and the like, but today was where I really thought about it and realized how despite the struggles I face, God loves me. He hurts when I hurt. He cries when I cry. I am His precious daughter. Not having my dad here anymore sometimes allows me to forget what feeling protected feels like. I don't have daddy arms or any sort of daddy complex to remind me of shields being over me in human form. But I do have a HUGE God whose hand holds the world. What an amazing Father we serve!

Day 9-Gazing at Beauty

I am hooked on "My Beloved" by Cory Ashbury. He is an amazing artist. His CD has a mixture of all kinds of music and I am in love. Yesterday and today were good in terms of me sticking to my worship music-only times. I have also started praying outloud in my car on my way to work each morning which instills in me this power of Christ. I can really feel my Holy Spirit working. It is encouraging to think that my prayers are getting answered in the lives of those I am praying over. Of course the Penecostal in me would much rather prefer the laying of hands on these people, but this will do :) I have been frantically working on my school work today/tonight. I really do forget that I am still in school some days. Tomorrow is April Fools day and I can't remember the last time I pulled a Fools prank on someone. I'm actually normally the one getting pranked as I am probably one of the most gullible people. I see a slew of friends tomorrow so there is no telling what I may get tricked into thinking. And also side note....the weather around here has been GORGEOUS!! I have been trying to soak up the most of outdoors as my job allows during the day. This weather helps keep the spirit up too. Let everything that has breath praise the LORD!

Day 7 and 8

Already skipping days, shame on me. I was so exhausted yesterday and not feeling good because of it though that I just didn't have the energy to turn my computer on since I stare at it all day at work. I am determined to bite this dumb insecurity in the butt right now. As I wrote on day 1, this is to be a time where I just really grow in the Lord. This is not a time for me to be down on myself, my situations, or anyone else for that matter. I have also decided that as much as I absolutely love music of all styles and genres, I need to just focus on my worship music right now. I tend to listen to majority worship music anyway, but I need to make it an all-around time. Luckily, I have been able to keep to my Bible reading and journal writing each morning. I totally sacrifice sleep to do so, but I just cannot stand waiting until the afternoon before I can "put on my armor".
So many of you have been such an amazing source of encouragement for me and I can't tell you how much it means to me to have you guys praying for me and just giving me words of affirmation. Please keep it up..especially to those who know of my situation. Love you guys!

Day 6- Pruning

Today's post will be short as I am extremely tired and wanting to go to bed! This weekend all in all was definitely a challenge. I believe that some breaking down started to occur that perhaps needed to happen. Today I was able to just remember how much God loves me, and also how pruning is just a part of the process in our spiritual growth. I would rather God prune me as a branch as opposed to throwing me into the fire. Tonight I also had the privilege to have wonderful Godly women pray over me. I have started to have such a better prayer life these days which really makes me happy because for whatever the reason, prayer has always been a hard discipline for me. Worship is never hard for me to do because I am constantly singing, but prayer is another story. I think a lot of it has to do with the fact that I hardly ever get myself quiet enough to take the time out to really just sit in the quiet lap of my Father. During this journey, I do feel that prayer will become a larger portion of my spiritual growth and I am excited about that.

Day 5- Fear

I certainly hope yesterday and todays themes are not to be the way I will feel for the next 2 months. I would like to think that I am getting all negative feelings out of the way now, then it can only get easier from here. That may be wishful thinking, but then again...my God can restore and can heal :) So in a previous post I spoke about the verse that tells us to trust in God's unfailing love. My verse today told me to praise Him for His unfailing love. How appropriate. We trust so that then we can praise! I have not done so well with praising Him today. I haven't really done much of anything. I've been somewhat indifferent. I have gotten things accomplished around my house, caught up on some must needed rest, and had great bonding with my roommate, but not much on praising Him.
The title of the post speaks of fear. The fear is of being hurt. Usually the things that we learn the most from go hand-in-hand with dealing with pain. At least it does for me. Things in my past that have hurt me the most, I have come out with the greatest strength. It is God's way of pruning me as His branch. (Read in John about the Vine and the Branches). I don't mind being pruned so that I may be a better servant for Him, but when it involves my heart...I get scared and timid. Don't you?
Anyway, tonight will be filled with fun and I'm sure a lot of laughs so I am looking forward to that. And whenever I am with a group of friends, I always am thanking God in the back of my mind no matter what we are doing for giving me these wonderful blessings :) So for now and the rest of the night...I praise you Jesus for the love you give me without fail!

Day 4- Insecure

It could be the rain. It could be the fact that I am sooo exhausted, but I am feeling insecure today about myself and my situation. It is amazing how I can have so many awesome, good days and then BAM! Satan knows where to attack. I had to face something last night that had a lot to do with this whole 2 month process and it was just a very different feeling. I started questioning if the outcome of this time is going to be what I hope it to be. I start questioning motives, my actions, my thoughts, etc. I question everything. Then I remember how much of an over-analyzer I am. My friends can all attest to that. So I have to remain and be still. Ps. 56:10 reminded me of this. It says, "In God, whose word I praise, in the Lord, whose word I praise--in God I trust; I will not be afraid. What can man do to me?" Powerful! Thank you Jesus! So that is precisely what I need to remember. It is precisely what we all need to remember. I do plan on going home and making brownies and watching movies tonight which will help too :) Chocolate and chick flicks are always a good comfort too. I end with a song since music is always what can speak to me most, especially worship...

"Oh no, You never let go. Through the calm and through the storm.
Oh no, You never let go. Every high and every low,
Oh no, You never let go, Lord, You never let go of me."

Day 3

Today has been wonderful and crazy all at the same time. I have literally been staring at my computer screen since 8:30 this morning and have not stopped typing this and that for my boss. They were going to be gone today, but still have not gotten on the road. I am looking forward to peace and quiet when they leave.
Also one of my dear friends is having her baby today, so I am full of joy over that. Isn't birth incredible!? It just reminds me that everyday there are these precious children being born every hour. It's amazing!! I, myself, may not be quite ready for children (good thing since I don't even have the hubs yet ha), but I am certainly excited for whenever that time in my life comes. So nothing real big today about day 3...just busy and still feeling blessed :)

Day 2- Blessed Be

That song "Blessed Be the Name" was cranked up in my car this morning on my regular commute. I have been putting my iPod on shuffle a lot lately and I love it because each day the right songs get played without me having to skip a thousand times or finally get fed up and go the artist I want to listen to. Anyways, this particular song just fits so perfectly into my today. I am blessed when the sun is shining and I am blessed when the road is marked with suffering. God gets all credit no matter what.

Another amazing thought that may or may not go along with this song is what I was reading in John this morning. I have found it completely liberating to read my Bible each morning as if I were a new Christian who knows nothing. I am actually learning so much more this way. Anyways, a passage that was sticking out to me this morning was about how Jesus had just raised Lazarus from the dead and people were still having a hard time believing in Him. The verse that stuck out to me was, "Even after Jesus had done all these miraculous signs in their presence, they still would not believe in him" John 12:37. Wow. How many times have I seen God work in the life of another or even me and yet I still struggle with doubt of Him sometimes. I am guilty of this verse. So the connection between that verse and this song to me is showing me that I just need to always praise Him for whatever it is I am going through and to remember and BELIEVE that HE is the one working a good work in me.

Day 2...Blessed Be the Name of the Lord!

Day 1-Trust

Day 1, you ask? What does this day 1 mean? What is the significance to this day? Well..unfortunately for you, I will not be sharing what my little countdown is about. I am, however, about to enter into a journey that I have never taken and believe that it could potentially be hard, yet a huge growth time for me. I have decided to enter back into the blogging world and use this as a tool to record my journey into the next 2 months. You will read of the trials I face in each day and the awesome revelations that I know are to come through these next 2 months. Since I will not share what these 2 months stand for specifically, I will share that something has recently been taken away from me for a time and even though I know why it needed to happen...quite frankly the situation sucks for lack of a better term.

So today was Day 1. And day 1 holds trust. I have found that it does get easier to trust God when we start to lessen ourselves and realize how much He wants to give us and teach us! I have treasured the times I have been growing as of late in my relationship with God. It has been remarkable. I feel empty if I don't get to open my Bible everyday and just journal while I read about all the miracles and words of Christ. I don't say this in a boasting way..I only say it as an encouragement to others. I don't always know what God is up to and why certain trials are placed in my life. Sometimes I think, "Gosh, I've been through so much already, what else do you want to throw in my path, God?!" But...I know the reward I receive after going through those trials. And it's really all about God anyway. So...I choose to trust. Ps. 52:8-9 talks of trusting in God's unfailing love forever and ever. I choose that. I will rest in that.