Leap of Faith

Perhaps that isn' the best title for this entry. I fear that those that may read this might chuckle at what I am about to say. Every Christmas season I end up going to about an average of 3 shows. I love the theater and the music in each one. Some do not know this, but in high school even before that, I lived to perform. LOVED it!!! There was a thrill about being on a stage knowing that everyone viewed you as entertainment. It was awesome. Dancing has always been my passion. I do love to sing, I do think that is a gift that Lord has given me (not tooting my own horn), but singing AND dancing together...even better. About 2 years ago, I was in Myrtle Beach seeing the Carolina Opry Christmas show. I seriously started to consider doing that. I thought how exciting that life would be. I love the thought of practicing over and over again. I love the thought of being surrounded by the same people all the time and forming such a deep relationship that they become your family. Then there is the final product. People actually paying money to watch someone just use their gifts and talents. Well...the thought is coming back. I may be going really extreme here, but what if this is something that I am being called to?? You can be Christ in a theater just as much as you can at an office job. And I would love it. It's something to think about. First step is research. Finding what it takes to audition...I fear that voice lessons may need to enter my life again...maybe a few dance classes. Who knows. This may be just something I feel passionate about for a season and never follow thru (I tend to have those a lot), but I don't know. It's worth a shot, I think. Thoughts??

Complacent

I realize that there may be something to be said for you deciding where your life is going. There is something to be said for someone to determine how they may feel everyday. I could wake up everyday and make a conscious effort to just be be happy about everything in my life right now, no matter what. Easier said that done right? I hate that. At this point in my life, within the last...oh, I don't know...2-3 months I have been feeling very routine lately. There is nothing wrong with routine, but I guess I'm wondering if there is something more to life than what I'm doing this very minute. I have always loved where I lived, the people, the familiarity, everything. But not lately...even though I may still have just as many friends as I did before, I am feeling more lonely. I love my house, truly I do, but I'm just feeling ho-hum about it all. Perhaps this could be the Lord placing on my heart that a change is coming and a move will take place. I don't know. No idea where I would go, no desire to go anywhere at all. Maybe at my age, you just find yourself in these ruts. My relationship with God is good. I am on my knees, face in Scripture, seeking His will for my life constantly. But do you ever feel like even when you are doing all those things, you experience a silence? And you know that silence means something, but you have no idea what? Not a fan of that either. I suppose I will look back on this as a "growing time" in my life. Gotta hate that... :) Fake it to make it. That's how I feel my life is these days...insight??

They Weren't There

I was introduced to an artisit, well two actually that have been speaking volumes to me lately. Missy Higgins and Holly Brooks. They both know how to speak to a girl's hurting heart, that's for sure. My heart is definitely hurting. There have been a series of events that have happened to me this month that I am sure has something to do with growth or something to that effect. I just want the pain and agony to leave. So going back to these two ladies...my best friend introduced me to this song "They weren't there". I then also really love "Heavy". I try to limit how many times a day I listen to these songs because I have noticed that the music behind these amazing lyrics, does not help me to get out of a depressive state. Friends would be shocked to see me in this state that I am in. I have never been known to be a depressing person. I am normally a very upbeat, happy person. I have tried my hardest to shake out of this rut, but it is going to be the death of me, I swear. I have never felt more alone. I cry a lot. That could be taken as an understatement coming from a girl who cries at the drop of a hat, but it is more than usual. And it is the kind of crying that after a while you shove down but you know you aren't done. I normally have to shove it down though because my roommate will come home, or I am driving in the daylight and I don't want people to see. It doesn't help that this month is also the time that I lost my dad 3 years ago. That pretty much has put the icing on the cake. I'm getting off subject...back to the song. I find that circumstances that I have in my life, people never can see my perspective on it. I end up making enemies about my situations. They may try their hardest to see my point, but I know they don't. This song is an expression of that. People weren't in my situations. They don't have my feelings, my eyes, my heart. So to sum up, I grieve my dad and I also am grieving what I fear to be, a friend. I hate losing people in my life. It hurts. And especially when I have no control over it. I know that this is becoming more rambling than anything else, but what is the point of blogs.. :) Anyway, I'm pretty unsure about myself and what the future holds at the present. I do know that God is in all of it. I know that he is my comforter, and He loves me more than I could ever imagine. I don't really feel that love, but I know it's there. This is just a difficult time. Sorry for such a depressing post, but it's all I got at this point.

Guitars and Coffee

Tonight my friend had a show at a coffee shop. These times have started to become the times that I look most forward to. You never know who you are going to meet at these things, and plus the music in the background is awesome too! This particular friend, I am most proud of. I believe I have been to every show he has ever played since I met him and his talent never seems to old. I would even say that with every show, he gets better and better at it. The same songs are sung, and I love that I can sing along now too. It's moments like these that warm my heart. I can look around at a group of people most of whom I don't know, but they are all there to support the same person. Everyone is carrying in their own conversations, but no one is in a bad mood. Who goes to a concert in a bad mood?? Maybe someone, but a lot of the people I know, don't. At least not to local shows like this one. Everyone has a great time. I laugh and wonder if having thoughts like this make me sound like an old grandma. You know the kind of older ladies who end up just sitting back people-watching, not paying any attention to anyone in particular, just enjoying the moment. I like having those moments. If it makes me sound old, oh well! I am glad that I get to go to bed tonight feeling that I have lived today to its extent. And to my talented friend, keep on rocking out...I will never grow tired of hearing you play!! Love you and goodnight.

Shadows

I had a great epiphany come to me while I was sitting at work today. I am excited to be the shadow of my husband. I am not married now, and I can't say I want to be married tomorrow. I do think I have reached a point in my life where I know more about myself and I am ready to be in a relationship that is headed towards marriage. It's amazing how much more I feel I know about myself even from just last year. But I'm getting off track. I was gazing outside at all the trees around and the shadows from them that move as the wind moves the trees. And I started thinking about how with every minute of the day, those shadows move as the sun moves. It reminded me of a husband and wife. Shadows can be like seasons in life. I can use my friends as an example right now since I have so many that are near and dear to me. I love for my friends to be right beside me sometimes in things in my life...there is a point where you may be walking outside and your shadow is directly next to you. There are other times when you need friends to push you a little, and be behind you. Then I need times where I want to be the follower...you get the point. This is how I want to be for my husband. I know that most men want to know that no matter what, their spouse is going to stick beside them, but I like the thought that sometimes they need their wife to give them a little push and support and they always need to be the leader of the relationship. Just a thought I had today...and I liked it :)

Blue Skies

I am just in awe of how blue the sky can be. I feel as though with each new day, the sky can be a totally different shade of blue every time. I absolutely LOVE IT! I just finished putting me son-of-a-gun desk together in my new office. I decided to set up the desk so that I can look out the window at those blue ridge mountains. I have the window open so that I may breathe fresh air. It's awesome..truly awesome. Don't you love that little warm feeling you get in your heart when you can look out your window and just feel "home". I love that where I am right now....where I am living..it's home.

Daydream or God?

I will start staring off into space most of the time..ha...but my mind starts taking me down what I think might be daydreams. Sometimes I can really work myself up over nothing. I may reminisce about a past time, or think about things to come. But I'm starting to wonder if some of these things are actually God speaking to me. For instance, I start thinking about a person and decide to pray for them. I could pray for some specific that I may think is crazy. I could start praying for someone about traveling. I was thinking about someone the other day and starting praying that if God wanted to move them, as hard as it is for me to watch friends move away, for God to move them to where they would be happy and do His will. Later that day I find out that person had circumstances come up that could lead them to move. I remember as I was letting my mind go on about what life would be like without that person, I became really sad. I started getting to the verge of tears. I blinked a few times, and blamed it on the sad Dave Matthews song playing in the background. I started thinking how silly I was to pray about that, but I still did...Are my daydreams merely daydreams or still moments where I allow God to speak?? Either way it can be cool to see I prayed for something that could be taking place but then I also start to think I am going crazy. What do you think?

House Full of Laughter

This past weekend was one of my greatest friends birthdays. I find such joy in giving birthday parties for my friends. Birthdays in my family were never gone unnoticed. I got my love of party planning from my dad. He was famous for throwing the ultimate parties. I have definitely been blessed in all my wonderful birthday parties. Not having him around during my birthday now has been a huge adjustment. Anyway, back to my friend's birthday... we had a great group of people at my house after we went out to eat. I love nothing more than having a house full of people laughing. That night I don't think I have laughed that hard in a long time. And I love the kind of laughing where your head and stomach start to hurt so bad and yet you still can't stop laughing. There were so many interesting conversations that were brought up that night and somehow, everything was hilarious! I just loved it so much, I wanted to write about it :)

Bad Decision

I feel that I can sometimes be the queen of bad decisions. I put my mind to do something, and I do it. Normally, I can over-analyze things and make a pro and con list...but for some reason, not when it comes to a bad decision. I become impulsive and "brave". Last night, I made some bad decisions. I am not confident, nor honest enough to post on here what exactly those decisions were; I will just tell you, it wasn't pretty. Due to a dumb phone call (from whom I won't mention) I decided to lash out in a way that definitely did not show Christ. I knew I was acting in a way that was just plain dumb. I am thankful for God's grace, but it's like I took total advantage of that fact. "I will totally get God's grace for this, so I'll just be dumb for one night". Yeah...not so sure that God loves that at all. I spent the morning on my way to work, confessing sin and asking for forgiveness, and I did truly mean it. I guess I write this as a reminder not only to myself, but to others, we aren't technically allowed "grace periods" as we may design them ourselves. God's grace doesn't mean we can just consciously decide to do something bad or wrong in the moment knowing that God can forgive us later. I believe that God's grace is there because we are just sinful people. If it weren't for God's grace to have His Son die for us, but then raise from the dead so we could be saved as well...where would we be?? So before you decide to make that bad decision and decide to not care that we are still Christians, remember that perhaps no one else can see you, but who wants to disappoint their Father??

From the Balcony

My deck has one amazing view! Some would disagree, but I like it. I especially like to come out on warm summer nights when all is quiet. I do live on a fairly busy street, but even the traffic flow does not bother me. Amazingly enough, I can see the stars out clearly. I can see the mountains with the sunset colors behind them. I even enjoy the many post lights that are around my neighborhood. It makes it feel very Pleasantville. The only sounds I really hear are crickets chirping, and air conditioning units humming. That may not sound peaceful to all, but I like it! The loudest sound is coming from me typing this entry. I do a lot of deep thinking out here by myself. I think about life and where God may be taking me next. What will He have me to do tomorrow? Will tomorrow be better than today? Can I make it through these changes happening in my life? I remember my dad. I go back to memories of my childhood. I wonder who will be the next person to call or text me haha. Silly things. Should I go inside and have ice cream? What can I wear those new shoes with? Should I change my hair AGAIN?! Point is...there is something to be said about going to a quiet outside place where it's just you and nature. Your mind can be flooded with so much, yet some nights I don't think of anything. Yes, I am a woman and sometimes I do not have a single thought, go figure! Just thought I'd share a few words from the balcony :)

Music of My Heart

Music has such a way of reaching into my heart and making it light up and warm up. I love how many styles of music there are and how with each style, it puts me in a different mood. I love almost all kinds of music. I cannot handle the bands that scream because I feel like Satan himself is in that music. I don't like country music that is way twangy. I also can't really handle music that would be on a station my mom likes. She loves Neil Diamond, Jim Brickman, all that light kind of music. Can't stand it. I love finding my soothing music in artists like Norah Jones and Michael Buble, but not all the older Kenny G types. I have also found that music is where I can really meet with God. It has that connection for me. I just came from an amazing concert by Six Chasing Seven. It's the kind of music that I always find myself dancing to and having a great time, but I am also worshipping. Their lyrics are about God, or about life struggles that point you to God. It's just amazingness :) I feel worn out when I attend concerts like that, but I also feel charged. I love anything that makes me feel closer to my Father. Unfortunately, if I am honest, I don't always have those on a day-to-day occurrence. I should. I read my Bible every day and I do take away things and some days do blow me away and I fall totally more in love with my Savior, but lately, those come far and in between. That's with reading the Bible. The minute I go to my room and turn on my ipod to Brooke Fraser, Hillsong, Passion, or some other great Christian artist, I can worship right there in my room or while even taking a shower. It is the most awesome thing! I'm really thankful that God put music on earth. I'm glad that he had some man or woman decide to build an instrument and play. I also am thankful that I have the gift of hearing. I'm glad we can have so many ways and passions that can make us feel closer to our Lord. And I'm thankful that mine, is music.

Something Big

Whenever I feel at my lowest point it always makes me feel better to think that maybe it is all because God is getting ready to do something really big in my life. I am starting to wonder that again. I am not exaggerating when I say that every single one of my friends are all going through some sort of trouble in their life; most of them end up thinking that God is trying to teach them something through it all. I don't think I have ever had all of my friends to be going through something at the same time all at once. I am the hub of them all. It is easy for me to become very discouraged and wonder if maybe I don't have something right with God and that is why all of my friends are hurting. Silly huh? Why would God purposely make all the ones I care and love for deeply hurt to teach me a lesson? Why not make me hurt directly? So then I've been asking myself, is God about to do something big in my town? Who knows...

My New Years resolution was actually a total God thing. (Yes, this may seem off topic, but you'll see where this fits in) I found myself thinking about the book of Titus in the Bible. It's a short read, so I went and got my Bible when I got home. The entire book focuses around how men and women of the Lord should be taught, how we should act, and how to minister to others; basically it is all about discipleship. This is one area that I am extremely passionate about. I became on fire about this little book. It was so much to digest at one time, so I read it through very slowly every morning in my time with God. I just recently have started going through it again. I have found that all these "resolutions" I've made in the past always fade. Not this one. I am not letting this one slip through my fingers. This is truth. This is what I am do as a child of God. I am to live according to the ways that God makes up, not the world. This morning I started thinking of everyone who is hurting and everyone who is frustrated with life. All of these hurting friends of mine. And then I remembered, Titus. I am doing everything that I supposed to be doing right now. Everyone who is having a hard time, they are doing exactly what they are supposed to be doing right now. We are loving on each other, praying for each other, crying with each other, and finding ways to make one another smile. We are doing discipleship. If we never suffered and we never went through these hard times, why would we need discipleship? Why would I need these friendships at all? I wouldn't need people to cling on to so tightly when I was having the crappiest day ever!

God is doing something big. It's happening right now. He is allowing us to unite with one another to talk to Him. He is orchestrating us all to want to look no where else but up. The end will come one day and He wants us to remember that our time here is limited. God is our something big. He is always moving us; always changing us to be more like His Son. I don't know about you, but that is something to get excited about!!

Brand New

Most of my friends would tell you that I am an open book. I don't ever see the point in reserving anything about myself to anyone. I like to dive in and dive deep when it comes to people. This can either lead to a completely amazing friendship, or a complete disaster. I have the ability to allow others to become as transparent as I am, or to scare them with the pressure. As open as I may be, perhaps there is a side to me that I am still learning about. Some of it can be very ugly. Only God knows my inner thoughts. Some of it even scares me to find out how passionate I can get in certain situations or specific topics. My dad used to always tell me that journaling can be an escape to learn more about God and yourself. This is precisely what I intend to do through this blog. I may be the only person who ever reads it, but it can be my way of escape. It will be my way of being an open book on all aspects of life. And so it begins...

You know those days that you want to just climb back in bed and start over? Why do we ever say that? Sure, I've felt like that probably 3 days out of every week over the past year of my life. Let's face it, I am a girl in my 20s, single, and seem to always want to change things in my life when it is those very changes that scare me the most. A little confusing, so let me explain. I have always been someone who loves, no, cherishes, tradition. I love how my family seems to do the same things for most holidays. I love how my mom hates to cook, but she has about 5 dishes that she makes throughout the year that I never want her to stop cooking. I love and cherish making memories that actually could be a repeat of the same memory from the year before. Tradition is security for me. When changes happen in life, which become more frequent with age, some of them can fall into place so easily and you find yourself already comfortable with them. Other changes, scare the living daylights out of you. When I say that I seem to like certain changes in life, the ones I love are the ones I control; rearranging furniture, moving to a new place in the same town, saying good-bye to friends whom I know I will never lose touch with, learning new skills and finding places to apply them. These are all wonderful changes that give me a sense of renewal. As silly as it sounds, some of those changes make me feel like I am growing up.

As soon as I lose control of change, that is where I lose myself. I have complete confidence that God knows what He is doing with my life. But does He know that by not letting me know if I am going to stay where I am for the next year, is really good to keep from me? Or what about the feeling of everyone else finding their "niche" in life while I still feel like a fish swimming in circles? Am I single because I am not ready or because he's not? I think I'm happy with life, but am I? I believe that He is God of all creation and that He knew me in my mother's womb, but do I trust it? Why are there weeks where I feel like everyone has burdens and I feel the need to help, but can't? God takes things out of our hands because He knows we can't handle it sometimes. True, but is it hard for me to find peace in that? That peace that surpasses all understanding. Perhaps God does give me that and does change things in my life that I don't want changed because I don't want change. Not to punish me. To grow me. These are all things I know, but have a hard time with emotionally.

I should also share that I am one sentimental, emotional over-analyzer. It's a lot to put up with to say the least. Most of that comes from my dad. My mom was our rock. She sees things as they are. The realist. She definitely has her emotions, don't get me wrong, but my dad and I could obsess over the smallest thing. When I was little I remember my parents would go out on our boat off the East Coast just to watch the sunset. I used to think, "how boring!", and whine and decide to stay at the house while they went to watch the stupid sun set. After all, it does the same thing every day. What is so special?! Don't you hate it when you remember your parents telling you that you would appreciate it later in life and then you do?? I totally understand why they went out on that boat. First of all, before my dad passed away, he told me that he would feel his mom's presence as well as God whenever he would watch that sunset. As it turned out, my parents did not talk much while they watched. He described the sense of peace he would feel. He could be having the craziest week at work, and all it would take was one look at those reds, purples, and yellows across the sky to warm his heart. He told me that if I ever needed to find him, he would be in those sunsets. I don't know if it could be psychological. Maybe it is my sentimental, emotional side that takes over, but every sunset that I am able to really capture, I feel warmth. I feel that peace that passes all understanding. Sometimes I can walk away and go right back to the hectic, stressful day I was having, but at least for a few moments, I am able to soak warmth from the sunset.

Try it. Maybe then you will know what I'm talking about. So my open book, the beautiful and ugly parts that are me, can best be seen through a sunset.