Wall Breaking

I really love times when I meet new people and automatically there is that "click" that happens. I often wonder if it is because I find people like me who open up so quickly. I love when I find that. I feel that life is too short to have surface level friendships. Why should we waste so much time getting to know someone only to put up walls?? I can totally tell when someone puts up a wall with me and it causes me to think that I have done something to make them place that wall there. I realize that many people like keeping distance with people and don't like sharing every particular part of their lives with others, but I often wonder why not? Is it a trust issue? Do you fear that they will use that information as blackmail to you later? Do you reserve these types of stories for whomever you will marry one day? What is the reason behind this? IS there is a reason? I'm interested and intrigued by why people like surrounding walls around them. Maybe I have a lesson to learn in needing to put up more. Maybe there is a legit reason as to why someone should "guard" themselves. I'm not speaking of guarding hearts here, I'm just focusing on sharing one's life with others. Your hurts, your hang-ups, what makes you tick, how you are most encouraged, etc.

I'm Covered

I have been so encouraged by everyone who has contacted me to tell me you are praying for me. And it goes beyond that, you guys are checking on me just about everyday. I honestly cannot tell you how much this means to me!! It is awesome totally awesome to see that people that I am just getting to know are almost the most concerned for me haha. It's so great how God uses people that you least expect! It's really cool. Anyway, so I figured I should just bring everyone up to speed as to how I am doing even though it's only been a few days. I will be honest and say that I am not completely great, but I have to say that tonight was a great turning point for me, I think. I will back up to yesterday...I did something that I've never done before. I went and saw a movie by myself. To those who may not know me very well...I hate doing anything by myself. But I have been feeling like God is wanting me to use this time to be alone, so why not keep doing the things I want to do?? And yesterday, I wanted to see a movie, so I went! It was a little weird at first, but after the movie started, it was all good. So today I did not work, once again, but I ended up not being home all day and encountered 3 different people to hang out with for different periods of time. It was really wonderful! And all of them, unplanned!

So then tonight I decided to go to campus church. I haven't been in a while, so I thought why not? I am so glad I went!!! My friend Tiff and I decided we would just go for the worship time. God decided to be funny...all we did was worship! There was no sermon, all totally rocking out to God through music. This is how I connect with God most!! And tonight we sang "Jesus' Blood". Wow. It hit me tonight in such a powerful way. And all night, each time anyone spoke, they talked of people hurting and just leaving things at the altar. God was totally speaking directly to me though them. So I hope that I left things at that altar tonight. Please keep praying for me, but I was glad to see glimpses of hope and joy through the cracks tonight. God is Good!

Another great song we sang tonight, these are the lyrics sticking with me still..
"All of my life
In every season
You are still God
I have a reason to sing, I have a reason to worship"

Dave Matthews- A plead for Help

I feel that I have so much to write...I'm running on a low amount of sleep as well so hopefully everything I am about to say will make sense. So last night one of my life goals was accomplished. I got to see The Dave Matthews Band in concert! The concert was better than I could even dream, I loved everything about it!! They def. do not disappoint so if you are a fan, I highly recommend going!! My friends Marlene, Katie, and Adam all went and the girls are not avid fans, but they both were having a blast! I was not able to take in my camera to the show itself, so all I have are a few pics from our dinner at Chili's. At the concert, there was of course drinking and marjuana, but actually not as much as I thought there would be. We had the privilege to be right next to a row of tokers who lit up the entire concert, the aroma was just fabulous. Totally kidding! I was really enjoying the concert, I danced almost the entire time, screamed and clapped ALOT, it was all in all a blast. We got back real late and last night I started having a broken heart for everyone in that arena as I went to bed, but shoved it down since sleep was more important to me at the time. Wrong thing to do. God woke up me earlier than I was expecting to me up. And my mind has been going ever since...I know I shouldn't make assumptions that majority of the people at the concert were non-believers, but I'm going to anyway. The crowd that I was around and those that I was able to watch, if they do know Jesus, they perhaps have just either not understood what it means to live for Christ, or they are ignoring it. I then observed many people quite literally worshipping this band. I was telling my friends after the show that I even feel funny raising my hands up at a concert because this is how I worship God, so even though I know I am not worshipping the DMB, the simple act of raising both hands feels weird. My heart just broke for these people. It made me more aware than I have felt in a long time of just how worldly people are. How much I need to be more active in showing Christ to others. I'm not saying I will not attend concerts such as these because of that reason. If anything, it makes me want to go more so that hopefully God uses me in these places. Maybe people noticed that none of us were consuming things. Perhaps they thought, "Man are those people not having fun or what?" But then to observe us dancing, laughing, and still having a great time could maybe affect someone. Who knows. So I had those thoughts which then led into other thoughts...

I know I have written over and over again in these last few weeks, maybe months I don't know about my attitude. I think this morning I have realized that I need to ask for much needed prayer. The truth of the matter is, I am struggling. And it is a hard thing for me to write that because I never want anyone to look at me thinking that I am not my normal, encouraging self, but I'm not. I am finding it hard to get up each day feeling that I am making a difference in people's lives. I feel that those that I am around, I am not helping. I am trying to meet people's needs (which I know I need to stop because that isn't my job), but I am just trying to be a mere friend and that ends up blowing up in my face. Now before you start thinking to yourself, "oh crap, is she talking about me?"...I honestly know that most of this stuff is in my head. But it isn't going away. I come home and I am just plain sad. I go out and I am just plain sad. And people are taking notice of this! This is when people start asking, "What's wrong?" "Did you have a bad day?" "Kara, what's your problem?" And honestly, I don't have an answer! I didn't even realize that I wasn't faking it enough. I thought I was still coming across as bubbly Kara. Several people remind me how apparently my smile and laugh are contagious and how they haven't really seen or heard it as much as they used to. I don't know what else to say to this except that I am sorry. I don't really know what is going on with me these days. So all I know to do is to ask for prayer. And that is totally hard for me to do and I don't know why that is either. I think I feel ashamed with me right now. I feel numb. I am praying that this is because I am getting ready to have something really big happen with me. Maybe God is getting ready to move in my life in such a way that it's going to be awesome. I don't know. Just pray please.

And finally another prayer request...I have been wondering if perhaps these feelings are because I am refusing to move. I keep thinking about Nashville a lot. I don't know if this is because this is a place that I just really loved when I visited Marlene, or if God is trying to get me to go? This is, of course, a little scary as I feel that I love my job here so finding another one in this economy could be really hard. Then again, if God wants me to go, I know He will supply me with my needs. Then I think, oh man...I'm going to go and be alone...but then I think...well I feel like that a lot of time here in Lynchburg too. My friends are slowly all moving away anyways. All of this is just taking a lot of brain space for me right now. And I am at a loss as to what to do. So I just write to plead for you guys, all who care, to pray. Please love on me, encourage me, remind me of God's provision.

I know this was all a lot. Who knew my post about my Dave Matthews experience would end on such a sad note. For that, I am sorry. This was just my plead for help. Thanks.

Butt Kickin'

So anyone who is thinking about a home exercise video...Get the 30 Minute Shred!!! Oh my word! I have only taken off one day (due to being sick) and my body has been sore every single day. Stairs are awful because it literally could take me 2 min. to walk up them haha. But I'm totally excited because that means it is working! It has also gotten me back into my water drinking habits which is good. I had come away from that!

I have been sick for 2 days, just a sinus infection, but I stayed home from work yesterday because of it. I felt awful! I didn't talk the entire day which is probably a first for me! Crazy.

In just 2 days I am going to the Dave Matthews Band in concert!!!!!!! I know I have probably exhausted this topic, but I can't even express how excited I am! And the great thing is, I know they won't disappoint. Then the other morning I thought of a really cool thing...I am so excited about seeing just a band, granted this is a band I L-O-V-E! But it isn't my first love. Imagine how pumped I am going to get about seeing my one true love?! Going to heaven?! I mean, just think about that. We get excited about some really cool things here on earth, but imagine how excited we are going to be to think about spending eternity with our God. We are going to have some pretty AH-MAzing concerts up there too I bet! It's going to be more than our minds can even picture. We could take all the lights, fog machines, awesome sound systems, killer voices, and special effects to boot and it still will not compare to what heaven will be like. Wow...just sit on that!

How to Hurt Kara

I have figured out what hits me right in the heart. Here is a simple plan on how to make my heart hurt...ignore me or leave me out of something. It's not hard to do, I promise. If I have ever done anything to you to make you hate me, just ignore me. It will eat away at me for possibly the rest of my earthly life. Go from being my very close friend whom we share pretty much everything going on in our lives to becoming just an acquaintance. Or plan a really great party, or simply go out to eat with our mutual friends...and don't call me. Seriously. This will emotionally kill me. It will run me dry. I will go to bed crying profusely that night. I'll keep trying to live life out to its fullest and I will pray constantly for God to take the pain away and wait for a response from Him as to why this is happening to me, but it will still hurt nonetheless. Yep, this happens to me. And it sucks. The End.

30 Day Shred

So all the training I've been doing for these 10ks...would you believe I did not run them???? haha. The first 10k was in Richmond and it was suppose to rain that day, so I said...no way am I running in the rain...so when I woke up that morning, what was it NOT doing?? Yep, that's right, not raining! Oh well. Tis life. Then the second 10k was going to be in SC this past weekend. We ended up not running this because we found out that this trip was going to end up costing us about $300 a person. Yeah, I don't have money like that right now. So!! I am still running because I would like to run a 10k eventually. I'm going to need to keep searching for one. I have found out through all this training though, I hate running. I will never enjoy running. It's just not for me. And I think I am starting to get bored with my workout routine. I love that it is going to start getting warmer so the thought of going inside a gym still does not sound good to me. I want to keep running/walking outside. So last night I was doing some research about different workouts that I could do. I have found a solution that I am going to try. It's by that hard-core trainer from Biggest Loser, Jillian. She has a DVD out called the 30 day shred. It got really good reviews and it's supposed to be killer! So I ordered it and I'm excited for it to arrive. With all of this running I am doing, I am shedding some pounds, but I am wanting something to help me build more muscle. I know women reading this understand me when I say that losing the weight is good and all, but if the body isn't getting toned, it's still not as pretty as you would like it to be. :) So I will have to let everyone know how this 30 day shred pans out.

I am currently sitting in the Muse coffee shop, my home away from home. It has become my sanctuary in the mornings as I sit in the corner with my journal and Bible and just talk to God. I write about all my frustrations and all my ambitions that I want to see with my relationship with Him and my relationship with others. The last 2 times that I have been in here, I've been asked if I am doing ok. This struck me because this particular person says he has been feeling not so good vibes from me lately. He feels that I am off these days. It has been thinking...do others feel this way about me to? And what is wrong with me?? Have I not been as chipper as I normally am? Do I not smile enough now? Have I lost something that others notice? Gosh, I hope not! I don't ever want people to feel that they can't approach me or they feel that I am just this awful depressed person that must be having a hard day. So to anyone who has been getting this vibe from me lately, I am sorry. I don't want to be like that. Life is good. I need to be cautious about showing this on my outward appearance more, I suppose. So if you see me, and you feel that I look distraught..help me smile!! :)

I've always wondered when people talked about their hearts bleeding, what did they mean by that and what on earth did that feel like? I feel that since high school, I have discovered what this term is talking about. Definition of a bleeding heart--when you put everything you have out on the line, fall, and then u are left with not only pieces but a feeling of your heart in your hand just bleeding to death. Sorry to be so graphic! Then I thought, this is what God must feel like with me too often! He puts his unconditional love out on the line for me, and then I disappoint. I know we are talking about God here so he is bigger than a bleeding heart, but at the same time...he hurts for his children. And he understands our pain. Anyone who sacrifices their Son must understand a lot!! More than I will ever know, that's for sure! I have been letting God's heart bleed too much. I'm sure as I write this many of you are thinking of that song "Bleeding Love"...good song and true lyrics in parts of that song! As I ask for God to heal my bleeding heart from guys past, I also need to ask for forgiveness for any pain I may cause Him too.

On another note, I've been digging Jimmy Buffett, James Taylor, and Bonnie Raitt a lot lately. Golden Oldies. These are artists I grew up on. I remember so many summers at our river house with the music blaring all over the house with tunes by these guys. My dad was a real Jimmy fan. It fit him too. Such a goofball that wanted nothing but to relax by the water drinking his famous pina colata. I must say, I loved those things. He made them virgin for me, of course. So good. I've yet to make him as good as him. I'll keep trying tho! I CAN make a mean french toast tho. I have gotten my culinary side from him because Lord knows, my mom was a little lacking in that area. Anyway, this music makes me happy. I can't help but smile as I sing along, which is good because I am always looking for music to cheer me up when I have bad days. This has been such a hectic time with the car accident and everything, it is inspiring me to want to have another vacation that I actually get to relax on! Money is slim though, so it needs to be low budget. Perhaps the river house would be most fitting especially with the warm weather approaching. Well, get out there and enjoy some good Buffett and James Taylor! Toodles!