My deck has one amazing view! Some would disagree, but I like it. I especially like to come out on warm summer nights when all is quiet. I do live on a fairly busy street, but even the traffic flow does not bother me. Amazingly enough, I can see the stars out clearly. I can see the mountains with the sunset colors behind them. I even enjoy the many post lights that are around my neighborhood. It makes it feel very Pleasantville. The only sounds I really hear are crickets chirping, and air conditioning units humming. That may not sound peaceful to all, but I like it! The loudest sound is coming from me typing this entry. I do a lot of deep thinking out here by myself. I think about life and where God may be taking me next. What will He have me to do tomorrow? Will tomorrow be better than today? Can I make it through these changes happening in my life? I remember my dad. I go back to memories of my childhood. I wonder who will be the next person to call or text me haha. Silly things. Should I go inside and have ice cream? What can I wear those new shoes with? Should I change my hair AGAIN?! Point is...there is something to be said about going to a quiet outside place where it's just you and nature. Your mind can be flooded with so much, yet some nights I don't think of anything. Yes, I am a woman and sometimes I do not have a single thought, go figure! Just thought I'd share a few words from the balcony :)
Saturday, August 30, 2008
Friday, August 29, 2008
Music of My Heart
Music has such a way of reaching into my heart and making it light up and warm up. I love how many styles of music there are and how with each style, it puts me in a different mood. I love almost all kinds of music. I cannot handle the bands that scream because I feel like Satan himself is in that music. I don't like country music that is way twangy. I also can't really handle music that would be on a station my mom likes. She loves Neil Diamond, Jim Brickman, all that light kind of music. Can't stand it. I love finding my soothing music in artists like Norah Jones and Michael Buble, but not all the older Kenny G types. I have also found that music is where I can really meet with God. It has that connection for me. I just came from an amazing concert by Six Chasing Seven. It's the kind of music that I always find myself dancing to and having a great time, but I am also worshipping. Their lyrics are about God, or about life struggles that point you to God. It's just amazingness :) I feel worn out when I attend concerts like that, but I also feel charged. I love anything that makes me feel closer to my Father. Unfortunately, if I am honest, I don't always have those on a day-to-day occurrence. I should. I read my Bible every day and I do take away things and some days do blow me away and I fall totally more in love with my Savior, but lately, those come far and in between. That's with reading the Bible. The minute I go to my room and turn on my ipod to Brooke Fraser, Hillsong, Passion, or some other great Christian artist, I can worship right there in my room or while even taking a shower. It is the most awesome thing! I'm really thankful that God put music on earth. I'm glad that he had some man or woman decide to build an instrument and play. I also am thankful that I have the gift of hearing. I'm glad we can have so many ways and passions that can make us feel closer to our Lord. And I'm thankful that mine, is music.
Tuesday, August 26, 2008
Something Big
Whenever I feel at my lowest point it always makes me feel better to think that maybe it is all because God is getting ready to do something really big in my life. I am starting to wonder that again. I am not exaggerating when I say that every single one of my friends are all going through some sort of trouble in their life; most of them end up thinking that God is trying to teach them something through it all. I don't think I have ever had all of my friends to be going through something at the same time all at once. I am the hub of them all. It is easy for me to become very discouraged and wonder if maybe I don't have something right with God and that is why all of my friends are hurting. Silly huh? Why would God purposely make all the ones I care and love for deeply hurt to teach me a lesson? Why not make me hurt directly? So then I've been asking myself, is God about to do something big in my town? Who knows...
My New Years resolution was actually a total God thing. (Yes, this may seem off topic, but you'll see where this fits in) I found myself thinking about the book of Titus in the Bible. It's a short read, so I went and got my Bible when I got home. The entire book focuses around how men and women of the Lord should be taught, how we should act, and how to minister to others; basically it is all about discipleship. This is one area that I am extremely passionate about. I became on fire about this little book. It was so much to digest at one time, so I read it through very slowly every morning in my time with God. I just recently have started going through it again. I have found that all these "resolutions" I've made in the past always fade. Not this one. I am not letting this one slip through my fingers. This is truth. This is what I am do as a child of God. I am to live according to the ways that God makes up, not the world. This morning I started thinking of everyone who is hurting and everyone who is frustrated with life. All of these hurting friends of mine. And then I remembered, Titus. I am doing everything that I supposed to be doing right now. Everyone who is having a hard time, they are doing exactly what they are supposed to be doing right now. We are loving on each other, praying for each other, crying with each other, and finding ways to make one another smile. We are doing discipleship. If we never suffered and we never went through these hard times, why would we need discipleship? Why would I need these friendships at all? I wouldn't need people to cling on to so tightly when I was having the crappiest day ever!
God is doing something big. It's happening right now. He is allowing us to unite with one another to talk to Him. He is orchestrating us all to want to look no where else but up. The end will come one day and He wants us to remember that our time here is limited. God is our something big. He is always moving us; always changing us to be more like His Son. I don't know about you, but that is something to get excited about!!
My New Years resolution was actually a total God thing. (Yes, this may seem off topic, but you'll see where this fits in) I found myself thinking about the book of Titus in the Bible. It's a short read, so I went and got my Bible when I got home. The entire book focuses around how men and women of the Lord should be taught, how we should act, and how to minister to others; basically it is all about discipleship. This is one area that I am extremely passionate about. I became on fire about this little book. It was so much to digest at one time, so I read it through very slowly every morning in my time with God. I just recently have started going through it again. I have found that all these "resolutions" I've made in the past always fade. Not this one. I am not letting this one slip through my fingers. This is truth. This is what I am do as a child of God. I am to live according to the ways that God makes up, not the world. This morning I started thinking of everyone who is hurting and everyone who is frustrated with life. All of these hurting friends of mine. And then I remembered, Titus. I am doing everything that I supposed to be doing right now. Everyone who is having a hard time, they are doing exactly what they are supposed to be doing right now. We are loving on each other, praying for each other, crying with each other, and finding ways to make one another smile. We are doing discipleship. If we never suffered and we never went through these hard times, why would we need discipleship? Why would I need these friendships at all? I wouldn't need people to cling on to so tightly when I was having the crappiest day ever!
God is doing something big. It's happening right now. He is allowing us to unite with one another to talk to Him. He is orchestrating us all to want to look no where else but up. The end will come one day and He wants us to remember that our time here is limited. God is our something big. He is always moving us; always changing us to be more like His Son. I don't know about you, but that is something to get excited about!!
Monday, August 25, 2008
Brand New
Most of my friends would tell you that I am an open book. I don't ever see the point in reserving anything about myself to anyone. I like to dive in and dive deep when it comes to people. This can either lead to a completely amazing friendship, or a complete disaster. I have the ability to allow others to become as transparent as I am, or to scare them with the pressure. As open as I may be, perhaps there is a side to me that I am still learning about. Some of it can be very ugly. Only God knows my inner thoughts. Some of it even scares me to find out how passionate I can get in certain situations or specific topics. My dad used to always tell me that journaling can be an escape to learn more about God and yourself. This is precisely what I intend to do through this blog. I may be the only person who ever reads it, but it can be my way of escape. It will be my way of being an open book on all aspects of life. And so it begins...
You know those days that you want to just climb back in bed and start over? Why do we ever say that? Sure, I've felt like that probably 3 days out of every week over the past year of my life. Let's face it, I am a girl in my 20s, single, and seem to always want to change things in my life when it is those very changes that scare me the most. A little confusing, so let me explain. I have always been someone who loves, no, cherishes, tradition. I love how my family seems to do the same things for most holidays. I love how my mom hates to cook, but she has about 5 dishes that she makes throughout the year that I never want her to stop cooking. I love and cherish making memories that actually could be a repeat of the same memory from the year before. Tradition is security for me. When changes happen in life, which become more frequent with age, some of them can fall into place so easily and you find yourself already comfortable with them. Other changes, scare the living daylights out of you. When I say that I seem to like certain changes in life, the ones I love are the ones I control; rearranging furniture, moving to a new place in the same town, saying good-bye to friends whom I know I will never lose touch with, learning new skills and finding places to apply them. These are all wonderful changes that give me a sense of renewal. As silly as it sounds, some of those changes make me feel like I am growing up.
As soon as I lose control of change, that is where I lose myself. I have complete confidence that God knows what He is doing with my life. But does He know that by not letting me know if I am going to stay where I am for the next year, is really good to keep from me? Or what about the feeling of everyone else finding their "niche" in life while I still feel like a fish swimming in circles? Am I single because I am not ready or because he's not? I think I'm happy with life, but am I? I believe that He is God of all creation and that He knew me in my mother's womb, but do I trust it? Why are there weeks where I feel like everyone has burdens and I feel the need to help, but can't? God takes things out of our hands because He knows we can't handle it sometimes. True, but is it hard for me to find peace in that? That peace that surpasses all understanding. Perhaps God does give me that and does change things in my life that I don't want changed because I don't want change. Not to punish me. To grow me. These are all things I know, but have a hard time with emotionally.
I should also share that I am one sentimental, emotional over-analyzer. It's a lot to put up with to say the least. Most of that comes from my dad. My mom was our rock. She sees things as they are. The realist. She definitely has her emotions, don't get me wrong, but my dad and I could obsess over the smallest thing. When I was little I remember my parents would go out on our boat off the East Coast just to watch the sunset. I used to think, "how boring!", and whine and decide to stay at the house while they went to watch the stupid sun set. After all, it does the same thing every day. What is so special?! Don't you hate it when you remember your parents telling you that you would appreciate it later in life and then you do?? I totally understand why they went out on that boat. First of all, before my dad passed away, he told me that he would feel his mom's presence as well as God whenever he would watch that sunset. As it turned out, my parents did not talk much while they watched. He described the sense of peace he would feel. He could be having the craziest week at work, and all it would take was one look at those reds, purples, and yellows across the sky to warm his heart. He told me that if I ever needed to find him, he would be in those sunsets. I don't know if it could be psychological. Maybe it is my sentimental, emotional side that takes over, but every sunset that I am able to really capture, I feel warmth. I feel that peace that passes all understanding. Sometimes I can walk away and go right back to the hectic, stressful day I was having, but at least for a few moments, I am able to soak warmth from the sunset.
Try it. Maybe then you will know what I'm talking about. So my open book, the beautiful and ugly parts that are me, can best be seen through a sunset.
You know those days that you want to just climb back in bed and start over? Why do we ever say that? Sure, I've felt like that probably 3 days out of every week over the past year of my life. Let's face it, I am a girl in my 20s, single, and seem to always want to change things in my life when it is those very changes that scare me the most. A little confusing, so let me explain. I have always been someone who loves, no, cherishes, tradition. I love how my family seems to do the same things for most holidays. I love how my mom hates to cook, but she has about 5 dishes that she makes throughout the year that I never want her to stop cooking. I love and cherish making memories that actually could be a repeat of the same memory from the year before. Tradition is security for me. When changes happen in life, which become more frequent with age, some of them can fall into place so easily and you find yourself already comfortable with them. Other changes, scare the living daylights out of you. When I say that I seem to like certain changes in life, the ones I love are the ones I control; rearranging furniture, moving to a new place in the same town, saying good-bye to friends whom I know I will never lose touch with, learning new skills and finding places to apply them. These are all wonderful changes that give me a sense of renewal. As silly as it sounds, some of those changes make me feel like I am growing up.
As soon as I lose control of change, that is where I lose myself. I have complete confidence that God knows what He is doing with my life. But does He know that by not letting me know if I am going to stay where I am for the next year, is really good to keep from me? Or what about the feeling of everyone else finding their "niche" in life while I still feel like a fish swimming in circles? Am I single because I am not ready or because he's not? I think I'm happy with life, but am I? I believe that He is God of all creation and that He knew me in my mother's womb, but do I trust it? Why are there weeks where I feel like everyone has burdens and I feel the need to help, but can't? God takes things out of our hands because He knows we can't handle it sometimes. True, but is it hard for me to find peace in that? That peace that surpasses all understanding. Perhaps God does give me that and does change things in my life that I don't want changed because I don't want change. Not to punish me. To grow me. These are all things I know, but have a hard time with emotionally.
I should also share that I am one sentimental, emotional over-analyzer. It's a lot to put up with to say the least. Most of that comes from my dad. My mom was our rock. She sees things as they are. The realist. She definitely has her emotions, don't get me wrong, but my dad and I could obsess over the smallest thing. When I was little I remember my parents would go out on our boat off the East Coast just to watch the sunset. I used to think, "how boring!", and whine and decide to stay at the house while they went to watch the stupid sun set. After all, it does the same thing every day. What is so special?! Don't you hate it when you remember your parents telling you that you would appreciate it later in life and then you do?? I totally understand why they went out on that boat. First of all, before my dad passed away, he told me that he would feel his mom's presence as well as God whenever he would watch that sunset. As it turned out, my parents did not talk much while they watched. He described the sense of peace he would feel. He could be having the craziest week at work, and all it would take was one look at those reds, purples, and yellows across the sky to warm his heart. He told me that if I ever needed to find him, he would be in those sunsets. I don't know if it could be psychological. Maybe it is my sentimental, emotional side that takes over, but every sunset that I am able to really capture, I feel warmth. I feel that peace that passes all understanding. Sometimes I can walk away and go right back to the hectic, stressful day I was having, but at least for a few moments, I am able to soak warmth from the sunset.
Try it. Maybe then you will know what I'm talking about. So my open book, the beautiful and ugly parts that are me, can best be seen through a sunset.
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