How to Hurt Kara

I have figured out what hits me right in the heart. Here is a simple plan on how to make my heart hurt...ignore me or leave me out of something. It's not hard to do, I promise. If I have ever done anything to you to make you hate me, just ignore me. It will eat away at me for possibly the rest of my earthly life. Go from being my very close friend whom we share pretty much everything going on in our lives to becoming just an acquaintance. Or plan a really great party, or simply go out to eat with our mutual friends...and don't call me. Seriously. This will emotionally kill me. It will run me dry. I will go to bed crying profusely that night. I'll keep trying to live life out to its fullest and I will pray constantly for God to take the pain away and wait for a response from Him as to why this is happening to me, but it will still hurt nonetheless. Yep, this happens to me. And it sucks. The End.

30 Day Shred

So all the training I've been doing for these 10ks...would you believe I did not run them???? haha. The first 10k was in Richmond and it was suppose to rain that day, so I said...no way am I running in the rain...so when I woke up that morning, what was it NOT doing?? Yep, that's right, not raining! Oh well. Tis life. Then the second 10k was going to be in SC this past weekend. We ended up not running this because we found out that this trip was going to end up costing us about $300 a person. Yeah, I don't have money like that right now. So!! I am still running because I would like to run a 10k eventually. I'm going to need to keep searching for one. I have found out through all this training though, I hate running. I will never enjoy running. It's just not for me. And I think I am starting to get bored with my workout routine. I love that it is going to start getting warmer so the thought of going inside a gym still does not sound good to me. I want to keep running/walking outside. So last night I was doing some research about different workouts that I could do. I have found a solution that I am going to try. It's by that hard-core trainer from Biggest Loser, Jillian. She has a DVD out called the 30 day shred. It got really good reviews and it's supposed to be killer! So I ordered it and I'm excited for it to arrive. With all of this running I am doing, I am shedding some pounds, but I am wanting something to help me build more muscle. I know women reading this understand me when I say that losing the weight is good and all, but if the body isn't getting toned, it's still not as pretty as you would like it to be. :) So I will have to let everyone know how this 30 day shred pans out.

I am currently sitting in the Muse coffee shop, my home away from home. It has become my sanctuary in the mornings as I sit in the corner with my journal and Bible and just talk to God. I write about all my frustrations and all my ambitions that I want to see with my relationship with Him and my relationship with others. The last 2 times that I have been in here, I've been asked if I am doing ok. This struck me because this particular person says he has been feeling not so good vibes from me lately. He feels that I am off these days. It has been thinking...do others feel this way about me to? And what is wrong with me?? Have I not been as chipper as I normally am? Do I not smile enough now? Have I lost something that others notice? Gosh, I hope not! I don't ever want people to feel that they can't approach me or they feel that I am just this awful depressed person that must be having a hard day. So to anyone who has been getting this vibe from me lately, I am sorry. I don't want to be like that. Life is good. I need to be cautious about showing this on my outward appearance more, I suppose. So if you see me, and you feel that I look distraught..help me smile!! :)

I've always wondered when people talked about their hearts bleeding, what did they mean by that and what on earth did that feel like? I feel that since high school, I have discovered what this term is talking about. Definition of a bleeding heart--when you put everything you have out on the line, fall, and then u are left with not only pieces but a feeling of your heart in your hand just bleeding to death. Sorry to be so graphic! Then I thought, this is what God must feel like with me too often! He puts his unconditional love out on the line for me, and then I disappoint. I know we are talking about God here so he is bigger than a bleeding heart, but at the same time...he hurts for his children. And he understands our pain. Anyone who sacrifices their Son must understand a lot!! More than I will ever know, that's for sure! I have been letting God's heart bleed too much. I'm sure as I write this many of you are thinking of that song "Bleeding Love"...good song and true lyrics in parts of that song! As I ask for God to heal my bleeding heart from guys past, I also need to ask for forgiveness for any pain I may cause Him too.

On another note, I've been digging Jimmy Buffett, James Taylor, and Bonnie Raitt a lot lately. Golden Oldies. These are artists I grew up on. I remember so many summers at our river house with the music blaring all over the house with tunes by these guys. My dad was a real Jimmy fan. It fit him too. Such a goofball that wanted nothing but to relax by the water drinking his famous pina colata. I must say, I loved those things. He made them virgin for me, of course. So good. I've yet to make him as good as him. I'll keep trying tho! I CAN make a mean french toast tho. I have gotten my culinary side from him because Lord knows, my mom was a little lacking in that area. Anyway, this music makes me happy. I can't help but smile as I sing along, which is good because I am always looking for music to cheer me up when I have bad days. This has been such a hectic time with the car accident and everything, it is inspiring me to want to have another vacation that I actually get to relax on! Money is slim though, so it needs to be low budget. Perhaps the river house would be most fitting especially with the warm weather approaching. Well, get out there and enjoy some good Buffett and James Taylor! Toodles!

Give Me Jesus

"You can have all this world, just give me Jesus!"

This past weekend I went to NOVA to see my best friend for her birthday. As crazy as things have been for me lately (as I'm sure you read in my last post), it was great to get away for a mini vaca and spend time with her. It was not only comfort for me to get away, but it was comfort to get away and be with the person who probably knows me best. I am able to just strip myself down to who I am and she will always accept me. Not to say her and I haven't had some bumps, but what friendship doesn't. Anyway, so she wanted to go to this church called LifePoint on Sunday so I was down. We seriously could not find this place. We drove around Fredricksburg for 30 minutes trying to find it. We went to this other church and asked a couple in the parking lot if they knew where it was, and luckily they knew where the school was that it was being held in. Praise God we got there, late, but we got there. We missed a good part of the worship which I was bummed about because that can really be my way of expressing love for my Savior, but then a pastor (a LU grad) got up and just started out by saying he didn't care if what he was about to talk about was going to offend people because he was going to talk about Truth. He started talking about how our world now is a "my right" society. Everyone thinks they can do what they want, and say what they want because it is "their right". Obviously, that is ridiculous! Sure, we have rights, but there are limits on those rights. Anyway, he also talked about how Christians today may have a lot of head knowledge about Jesus, but not enough application. We become a child of demands instead of bowing down before our King! I have been guilty of this. Alot. When I pray, I find that I am going through the list of things that I need help with or even things that I just plain want. I fail to remember that I am speaking to an All-Powerful, Mighty, KING who deserves for me to fall down on my face and just be thankful. He deserves for me to just surrender. And surrender everything, not just the things I am willing to give up. Those things that I cling so tightly to...those are the things I must surrender most.

Stop This Train

This will be yet another post mainly to help my thoughts get placed together. John Mayer spoke to my heart as I was driving today "Honestly, won't someone just stop this train". This is how I feel today. To catch everyone up to speed, I was involved in a car accident on my way to Florida on spring break. 2 of my friends, Marlene and Danielle, were with me...no one was hurt to the point of needing long-term medical assistance, but we did go that night so the girls could get checked out. I am totally fine, which somehow does not seem completely fair since I was the one driving the car. Everyone keeps re-assuring me that 1)this accident was not my fault, so I shouldn't feel bad, and 2)it was good I was not injured so I could help my friends. I haven't seen it this way. I see it as I should have been the one who was hurt the worst. That is me trying to take on too much for myself though, which I ALWAYS do! God gets tired of me doing that, I'm sure! So anyways, since then I have been on the phone EVERY SINGLE DAY with insurance companies. Luckily, I was not at fault...it was the guy 2 cars behind me who was, so he is getting hit with all kinds of bills, but I don't care whose fault it is...it is a hassle for everyone to deal with!! I have been sleeping really well at night, but I am still exhausted! I need a vacation from my vacation!
So today has been awful because I had to take my car to the adjuster of the guy at fault and he proceeds to tell me that my car is looking at total loss. I love my car and I didn't realize how much! It is awful for me to feel so strongly towards something so material, but I think there are a few factors here...1)my dad gave me that car as a graduation gift after high school, so it has sentimental value to me because it involves him, 2)that car has had SOOO many memories in it! 3)I normally am the friend who takes everyone everywhere, so my car has bonded with people. (I know this is silly, but hence why we have blogs so I can get my feeling written out), and 4)this car has never given me any problems! I'm really going to miss it if it's time for it to go. Who knows what will happen now. Right now I am driving around a rental, a mazda 6, which is a nice car, but I want mine haha.
Then I just feel sick. My back and neck have started hurting me worse, probably just from being sore afterwards, so now I need to make a docs appointment. Then I was stupid and signed up to do a handwriting assignment (Which I will get paid for, PTL), but why did I do this when I don't have time?! I am traveling the next 3 weekends, 2 of those weekends I am running 10ks. I haven't been able to train in the last like 2 weeks, so now I'm out of shape again. I have a friend who I feel I have hurt and I'm scared that we are going to be weird now. I don't like losing people due to my stupidity. I'm just a ball of emotions! I want to cry, but I know if I start...it will take me a while to stop, so since I don't have time to just sit and cry..I blog. It's insane. So to anyone who reads this, please please please pray for me! I am in desperate need of feeling God right now among all of this and I'm so consumed by it all that I'm not allowing myself to stop and just let Him comfort me. So I don't know what else to ask for you to pray about other than just pray that God will be BIG in this. Thanks all.

Unsettled Pieces

Today I have felt very unsettled with my life. For starters, I was writing in my journal about how I have felt weird about God. I can't really say that I feel distance or that I am not satisfied by Him, but something is off. Then there is my longing that I have for more friends. I do not mean this to offend current friends I have, but I felt that at a time, I had a large group and now they have disbanded. I miss having a group that is always ready to actually go and do something or talk about God or just get me the freak out of the house. I mainly miss the conversation piece. I truly love the ones I have in my life, let me clear about that, but I have started to realize that I crave group activities and I crave group discussions about life. As I looked out my window this afternoon at the very dreary day we are having in Lynchburg, I started wondering what more could be out there for me? Does God want me to go anywhere else or am I to stay in Lynchburg longer? And also, is Mr. Right ever going to come? Actually let me first start by saying that I do miss having a group of guy friends. I love my girls, but I am a girl who needs her guy time too. I pretty much only had guy friends growing up, so this period that I am in with my life is very different because I really don't have many guys in my life. I have 2 wonderful guys that I admire and cherish dearly...but where are the others? The 2 that I have, one isn't even in Lynchburg anymore. So if I don't have many guy friends, how am I ever going to have Mr. Right find me? Will he be here in Lynchie? Is God going to take me somewhere else at some point? I realize that all these questions, for me, are actually turning into worries which I am trying not to let overcome me since worrying is not something God wants me to do. He has it all under control. But I do have a free will...where does that come into play? Is God waiting for me to decide to move somewhere? Is He waiting on me to make the first moves in getting new friends? How does that work??

So after going back and forth about some of these issues, and even crying a little about it. (I'm a real emotional person, I know!) I decided to open "My Utmost for His Highest" and read today's entry. It was so cool because I did at least get an answer for my unsettled God issue. It talked about how there will be times in our lives in our journey with Jesus that we will not recognize him. Jesus took on the entire human-self. He experienced hardships and darkness that we deal with in our lives. There may be times when we look at him and see him as that human self and all we can do is stop and stare. We don't recognize him. But we are encouraged to bear through these times of dismay because the outcome will bring us such joy once we start to see him in all Glory. There is more to Jesus than just how he took on human flesh. He is so much beyond our intellectual being that we cannot even begin to number all his characteristics. It will be only through my spiritual growth that I start to see more and more characteristics of him and will start to recognize things I didn't before. This brought me such comfort because obviously that is where I am. I am stopped and just staring at Him, wondering what part of him I am looking at. So obviously it can be unsettling. It's the unknown, yet He knows me. Even as I type this out, my brain can't wrap itself around the whole concept. I don't know if anyone else who reads that will understand that, but I hope it can bring someone clarity like it did me. As for the rest of my unsettled pieces...I will just need to rest assure that everything will fall into place at the right time. I need to make sure I keep surrendering these worries to Him and find joy in what I have.

Determination

There has been a lot on my mind these days. What better way to sort those thoughts than by blogging! First, yesterday I got caught up in my money situation again. I was doing my bills and getting ready to order more of my face products online and I just got so frustrated with how much stuff costs!! I started freaking out because my bank account has never been so low and I realized that this shopaholic is going to HAVE to make some changes. I always justify my purchases because I always manage to get really great deals and I do need some of the things I have bought, but I'm going to have to start sacrificing even the things I may need. It's already really funny on how I think about budget. My view on budget is, ok I won't buy groceries this week because I know I really want this one outfit. So I choose to eat ramen or have a latte count as my meal. Anyway, so last night I gathered several things and started listing them on ebay. I need to selling things to help me get out of my debt. I'm really excited about this because I feel that I am going to have my credit card paid off really quick if I stick to the plan I've made for myself. Determination is key.
So another thought that has been on my mind is how I have let my life become dull. I am always talking about living life to the fullest, but how many days do I go to work, come home and work on school, watch lame tv, and then go to bed?? Where did my adventure go? What happened to Kara the coordinator of all things fun?! Well..she's back! No more boring life Kara. Because when school is over, then what? I'll look back and remember not doing much. BORING! There are things to do, things to see, people to enjoy, friends to love, encouragement that needs to be spread all over!!! I feel the happiest serving my Jesus by serving my friends. And I view serving my friends by simply just hanging out with them! Lots of serving can happen when hanging out with people...making them food, opening your home, listening to their life situations, dancing out the aggression in our lives haha. Whatever! So I began the "bring back fun Kara" by going sledding the other night. It ended up being only 3 people that came, which was fine, but it was so much fun!! There is something about snow that just brings the kid out of everyone! We videoed the whole thing, I fell on my butt I don't know how many times, but it was fantastic! It felt good to be adventurous again. It felt good to be with my best friends. And this week I have been able to fill my days with just plain fun stuff and I've still managed to get school and work done. I sleep a little less, but that's ok. Well those are my thoughts for now. Thanks for reading :)