Big Reminders

I love when God smacks you in the face with just a simple good reminder, or two...or 5. I had a good old-fashioned smack-down (all in gentleness, of course) by God during my quiet time this morning. I have been reading Beth Moore's "Believing God" this last week or so and let me tell you, wow! This is the first book I have ever read by Beth Moore. So many of my friends have told me how much they love her books and I will now be one to praise her writing. God has certainly blessed her with an ability to reach into your heart through words and speak to the very core of Scripture. This last chapter I finished reading, I could not manage to even get halfway without needing to go grab by box of tissues. A synopsis of the chapter: all about realizing God loves when we pray BIG, Satan is constantly wanting us to believe the lies he puts in our heads, we do have victory over these lies through Jesus, prepare for battle. Okay, so see what I mean? That is A LOT to take in before 9AM. On top of that are 5 principles Beth wants the reader to remember throughout the book. Those are: 1) I believe God is who He says He is, 2) I believe God will do what He says He will do, 3) I believe I am who God says I am, 4) I believe I can do all things through Jesus Christ, 5) I believe God's Word is living and active in me. So from reading this particular chapter I think I finally realized the current season God has me in. It is a season where God wants me to rest in Him, He hasn't needed me to necessarily to do anything but trust and know HE has it all together for me. And this lesson, as simple as it may sound, has been the hardest time for me. I normally am not a woman who likes to sit back and just let things be, yet I have had to learn this lesson and I continue to learn it. I also have been dealing with a lot of guilt that has been due to things I've done as well as things others have done. I won't go into all details of what those things were as I can't put EVERYTHING out on the blogging world, but I can share what my personal guilt has been. I have been believing a lie that I am stupid. I recently cut back on my hours at work because I was finding a hard time balancing my home life from work. I was suffering from anxiety that I have never experienced, my control tendencies were at their highest, and I was exhausted. And all of this was from a job where I am doing front desk. Not a job where you would think all these symptoms would happen. I would not be a happy wife for my hubbie and we are still complete newlyweds, not even been married a year. I almost felt a depression coming upon me and I hated it. So I have had to swallow taking a huge pay-cut but gaining emotional health and psychological health. My relationship with God has been on the up and up as well which is the most important of all. All this being said, I started to feel stupid. Here I am staying home more (which is what I have really always wanted, to be a domestic housewife) but my poor husband is out everyday slaving away at his job and I have caused us to be in an even more financially tight situation. What was I thinking? Then as I began to read the pages of this book coupled with Scripture, I realized this is a decision that God was involved in as well. My husband and I are tight when it comes to money, but there are definitely ways we could still switch up our budget. I am the world's worst at wanting to constantly eat out or even pick out recipes that require way too many ingredients. These are not necessary things. God revealed to me this morning that this is another way in how He can be glorified. We can show others that you can adjust your lifestyle to better fit what is His will for you. For us, that means I am totally allowed to not work as much. I don't have to feel guilty with the fact that I do find fulfillment in staying home and making our house a home more. I enjoy being the kind of wife who is a safe haven for when my husband comes home from a hard day. That guilt can just melt right off. I believe I am who God says I am and I believe God will do what He says He will do. These two statements need to be said more out-loud by me. Satan no longer has a hold on me with this or any area. I know I will still have my struggles and he will try to take away my victory, but I know my victory was already won. I just need to believe it. Not to write so much because I know I have gone on and on already...I also have realized how much God does deserve to hear my big prayers no matter how "stupid" I may feel. God is deserving enough for me to believe He can still do big things for me and that no matter how He may choose to answer He will be glorified. Whew, in any case...if you haven't read that book, go read it. Especially if you are dealing with your faith and feeling like you are caught in a hum-drum place in your walk. I have been so encouraged!!

Becoming Domestic...maybe

I have been terrible at this whole blogging thing, but I always think about writing a new post and then never do it. I always feel more of a need to write when I have reached another large stepping stone in life. A lot has changed for me in the last year or so. The best and biggest change has been I am now a wife! Finally! I have always been the kind of girl when people ask what did I want to be when I grew up, my answer was always a wife and mom. Well the mom thing is not going to be happening anytime soon and to be honest is more something I wrestle with God about in prayer. I have too many feelings of fear and lack of faith in myself to think I could be a good mom. Plus, my husband has 3 children of his own so I guess you could say I already have a glimpse of what motherhood is all about. Since becoming married, I am not working as much at my job. Many people, both men and women, do not full understand why I would want to be at home more. It seems we live in a world now where many women are in the workforce and really have no desire to be stay-at-home wives or moms. I do understand many of them are left with no choice as bills pile up, mouths need to be fed, and they HAVE to work in order to help support their families. Kudos to them! For me, I truly have just never felt called to work. I do realize this may come across that I am simply just a lazy person. I am sure there are people out there who think this means I want to just sit around at home all day watching soap operas while eating bon-bons. Such a cliche way of thinking. But here is my reasoning to being a stay-at-home wife (and maybe one day mom). First, I know a large reason does come from my own upbringing. My mom stayed home with me while I was growing up. She did work up until she had me, but she did cut back on her hours once she was married as well. I believe part of my thinking also comes with the simple fact that I feel this IS my calling. Sure, my husband and I struggle financially like everyone else does. We are currently in the midst of trying to eliminate debt and rack up our savings so we can live comfortably at a retirement age. We are blessed that he has a job that he, for the most part, enjoys and can possibly have an early retirement. I would rather us have to eat PB&J sandwiches and Ramen Noodles for dinner in order to sacrifice me being home. I desire to learn to sew and possibly even have my own quilt business. Those who know me already know I can be extremely OCD when it comes to cleaning so this is always a daily chore for me. Are there days where I don't feel like doing much of anything and want to just sit on my butt? Sure. But then I think, my husband is out there working his butt off...I need to make myself productive and do things around the house! Sometimes I think I was meant to live in the days of the 50s where most women did work in the home. They made their own curtains, cooked for most of the day, cleaned everyday, and provided for their children at home. Susie home-maker. That's me. So even though many do not understand and clearly make their opinions known to me, I have to shut it all off. My role as a wife is to love my husband and to be submissive to him. My role in general is to love God and serve others. By me becoming a "domesticated wife" is my way of being able to do these roles with due diligence. I feel I am best loving my husband when I can make sure our house is a home for him to come to after a hard day. I believe I am best serving my God by spending quality time with Him and allowing myself to have an open schedule to volunteer maybe at church. That is my rant for today. I am going to try and do better at updating this blog more. If nothing else, it does give me something to do and perhaps can help others out there too. Until next time!

Healthy Lifestyle-Easier said than done!

My 7 day diet ended up bombing after day 5. I became sick with all the meat and tomatoes I had to eat that I decided it wasn't worth becoming sick! I had a heart to heart talk with my fiance about all of it too and he opened my eyes to the fact that I am always looking for "quick fixes". I love him so much for being able to be so open and honest with me! He is right most of the time too. I started to realize how many fast diets I have done and how many times I felt like I failed because I either didn't finish the diet or I didn't lose enough on it. So many times I have attempted to just live a healthy lifestyle by choosing to cook at home, take my lunch to work, watch how much I eat out. I fail at this a lot too. I don't want to get caught up in any fad diets that New Years will offer so I am choosing to just attempt this healthy lifestyle again. I am going to limit how often I eat out, pack my lunch, drink lots of water, and cook at home. I really do enjoy cooking so I need to get back into doing that! I also need to be honest on another issue...alcohol. I can consume quite a bit of it and I enjoy it. I don't drink for the purpose of getting drunk or even to get a buzz. I simply enjoy a glass of wine or beer with my meals. It is now become quite the issue with my weight though. I can consume more than the average woman can (according to many of my friends) and all it is is empty calories. So I have now asked my fiance to be a better accountability with me on this. We are both going to not drink when we go out to eat and limit how much we drink altogether. So here we go...good recipe finding and grocery lists galore!

Veggies and Food Network

I survived day 1!! I don't know what it is about being on a diet that drives me to torture myself by watching Food Network, but it happened last night. I was scanning my usual channels that I tend to watch frequently and I came upon "Drive-ins, Diners, and Dives" which is one of my favorite shows to watch. Why I decided to keep watching while I was eating on my fruit I have no idea. I even began going on Pinterest and pinning every good meal I could find that I think I may try to prepare after this kick off diet. Yea, real smart to come up with more recipes to make that will only add my weight back! Some actual positive beginnings to this diet were the encouraging comments I was able to receive from my fiance as well as one of my best friends. I shared with both of them this journey I am going to embark on and they both were very excited for me and did nothing but encourage me to stick with it. So this morning I started out my "All Veggie" day with a baked potato per the diets instructions and I am finshing up my morning routine so I can get to the Shred! In regards to my Spiritual journey, I received more confirmation in my quiet time with the Lord that He definitely has this whole diet/exercise plan in mind for me for a specific reason. In self motivating, I really am relying on Him all the more to be my strength and to help me in my health. It is a trust game I am playing with God once again. This season the Lord has me in right now is preparing me for marriage and I am learning that my relationship with God needs to be to a level of intimacy that will sustain even after I add my partner. I think as women we are susceptible to looking at our mate to be our savior too often. I don't want to do that as it is very dangerous! So I am taking this a day at a time and looking forward to great results!

A New Season Begins Spiritually and Physically

I am excited to launch this new blog with new title. There have been so many changes happening in my life that I am extremely excited about! The biggest change in my life has been getting engaged to the love of my life! We are currently in the midst of planning our wedding which is taking place in March 2013. I have become so consumed with my work schedule and planning this wedding that I have neglected many things. The number one priority in my life is my relationship with the Lord. I have my daily time with Him each morning, but it hasn't been enough. In addition to neglecting my relationship with God, I have also slacked majorly on my diet and exercise. I have reached a point where I have had enough. Or rather God has had enough. He slapped me in a big way this past weekend and also this morning with how I need to start devoting more time with Him as well as motivate myself to start losing the pounds. I know many women out there struggle with weight gain and finding the time and motivation to work out, eat right, etc. My hope is to use this blog now as a way for me to self motivate and track my weight loss progression as well as stay on target with where I am with the Lord. I do have my own personal journal that I write in each and every day but there is something to be said about putting struggles and vulnerability out on the internet. It can be a sort of accountability for me. In my past, I have been able to find work out buddies or roommates to diet with or eat healthy. The season of life that I am in right now does not allow for those "helps". It is time for me to find my own way to self-motivate. So here is where I begin...my weight right now is 155 (yes, I did put my weight on here). I am truly wanting to be back in the 130s but I do want to do this in a healthy manner. I have found certain diets to work for me and food changes to benefit me in weight loss in my past. One of these is what is called the GM diet. So Day One for me has consisted of doing Jillian Michael's Shred Video and eating only fruits today. I feel like this time that I will be spending on dieting and exercising is also increasing my faith. It becomes my time with God. The work out itself was extremely hard for me as I learned how much I am out of shape, but I finished! :) As a typical bride, I want to look good on my wedding day but also look good for my husband for the honeymoon and for many years after! So here we go on this new journey for me and for my spiritually and physically healthy new lifestyle.

Leaning on His promises

God has placed another testing of my faith before me. I am currently unemployed and am learning to trust Him in finding my new path soon. I used to look forward to the day where I didn't have to wake up to go to work everyday. I now miss that and it has only been 1 full week without a job. I am such a person of routine that this is throwing me for a loop. I like structure, plans, schedules, and knowing what I am doing from one day to the next. The Lord is breaking this of me. He is teaching me so much about relying solely on Him and letting go of my plans. I tend to need a refresher course in this lesson annually. Guess it must be that time again. I am standing on the promise that He has always been faithful to always show me my next step. The time that it may take in getting me to that step may vary. Leaning on His promises is the only thing that gets me from one day to the next. I am so very thankful for the support system that has surrounded me as well. I will count my blessings as my last job was creating nothing but burn-out for me anyway. I look forward to seeing what He has in store for me next.

Fear like Peter

As I was doing my QT this morning, I read the passage about when Jesus asked Peter to come to him which required Peter to have faith as he would walk on the water to Jesus. As soon as Peter began to focus on the circumstances that surrounded him (the wind, the water, etc) he started to sink. He let his fear take over his faith. How often do I do the same? All the time. This is just a lesson for me today as I recognize I have been letting circumstances overcome my faith in Jesus. By clinging to my Savior and seeking His face, it is only then that I can truly overcome the circumstances that surround me. In this life I am guaranteed to have all kinds of problems and struggles. I will face situations that will seem impossible to overcome. I will experience pain and strife when others disappoint me or hurt me, intentional or not. I must draw close to my Lord and Savior to be my strength and my shield. I can learn from Peter and see how quickly I can lose sight of Jesus, but also how quickly He is there to rescue me.

Passenger Seat

I have a serious disorder called control. I am constantly trying to take the wheel or sit in the driver's seat pretending I won't start the car. This week came to head for me last night as I was talking to my boyfriend about future events. It didn't come full circle to me until this morning when I was able to sit in the quiet of the Lord's presence that this has everything to do with a heart issue. I am not practicing patience, I am not leaning on God's understanding, I am not looking to His timing, and I am not seeking His will. I am wanting to go by my own agenda and by doing so I have ended up feeling rushed, unhappy, stressed, and moody. I wonder why.
For those that even take the time to read this blog will discover a little secret. My boyfriend and I are talking marriage. We both are confident in the fact that this is something the Lord has revealed to us both that He placed us together for good. What I know I have failed in is seeking the when, where, etc. I have taken control as I normally do and have done things the way I want them. There is so much going on in both of our lives at the same time that last night I finally started to admit, "maybe soon isn't the best idea". I am extremely anxious to marry this man. Once you find him, you want to just hit "play" and keep going. Especially at this stage in my life. When you are ready, you're ready.
Then I recalled the "practice what you preach". I am constantly telling my best friend and others in relationships to take their time. To enjoy each moment of their relationship bc its the dating phase that is the most fun. I have lost what that is and I am ashamed to admit it. He is still first and foremost my best friend. I have sadly taken away his leadership capabilities and decided things for myself. He has graciously gone along with everything because he only wants me happy and he is that type of person, but it is wrong. HE needs to lead me.
So back I go into the passenger seat. We may figure out that the time-line for this wedding will still take place when we were thinking, but I am calming down about that. God needs to reveal that to my guy. I don't want it revealed to me because then I will run with it again and back to the driver's seat I go. So I may as well get comfortable because the passenger seat is where I belong and where I must stay.

Wakeup call #2

Apparently even on a Saturday morning God did not want me to have any excuse for spending time with Him in the same way I had time yesterday morning. He woke me up again this morning a little closer to 4:30am but I stayed in bed until around 5:30. I finally surrendered any hope of going back to sleep and decided He needed my attention (as if He doesn't deserve my attention anyways).

This morning's lesson was about how many times I want to believe that my mistakes will cause the Lord to be upset with me to a point of loving me less until I understand the severity of my actions. I was reminded this morning of Romans 2:38-39 which speaks to this very lesson. The short version of these verses is that NOTHING can separate me from the love of God. Period. Those verses pretty much touch on any area that I could possibly conj-our up in my pea-headed brain. There is absolutely not reason for me to keep believing in a lie that if I mess up in my walk with God consciously or sub-consciously that HE will love me any less. I am still His daughter. I am still loved beyond measure. He knows every hair that is on my head and formed me in my mother's womb. He knows me inside-out. On days when I think Will knows me better than no other I am wrong. HE knows me and loves me more than even he can.

Bottom line, great wake up call #2.

5am wake up call

God woke me up around 5am this morning. This doesn't happen often but normally when it does, I don't fight trying to go back to sleep because I know I won't get to sleep. I got up, made my coffee, and started my quiet time. I was excited to read what my devotion talked about today because I figured if God had me up this early He obviously had something to say. Funny enough, my devotion was definitely worth reading but not necessarily worth a 5am wake up call. I finished my devotion and journaling my prayers and concerns and still waited for God to explain to me why I am up so early. Then I thought, does God really need to explain Himself to me?? Then I chuckle.

Then I realize as I have a few candles lit, my small decorative (not Christmas) tree lit, and the only sound is my heat cutting on and off that I haven't sat in the stillness for quite some time. Most of my neighbors are beginning to wake up, but there is a stillness this morning and it is very nice. Maybe all God wanted me for this morning was to sit in His stillness. To stop and be quiet for a little while and not really think on anything except just Him. I thought I would feel tired but I don't. In fact, I really do enjoy mornings like this if I can just drag myself out of bed. When I used to wake up really early for my job in Roanoke I actually enjoyed being up before it seemed the rest of the world was. My dad used to wake up early every morning no matter what day of the week it was. I used to think he was crazy and sometimes I still do because I am a person who requires a lot of sleep. I now understand that perhaps dad loved being up so early because it was only in the quiet that he could truly feel the Lord's presence. It was a time where as the rest of the family slept, he could be by himself with no distractions.

I hesitate to write that I would love to continue this tradition because I know it will require me dragging myself out of my comfy bed on mornings where I may not want to be up so early, but I do think God is teaching me a lesson even as I type this post. The reason so many people in Scripture rose early had nothing to do with it just being the culture and everything to do with God wanting us all to reflect on Him first as we rise. We can have this precious time with Him before we become so involved in our to-do lists and priorities at work. I have failed to remember how important this is. I have my QT with Him each morning but its as many thing already have started up. I would wake up already thinking of my to-do list that day, whereas waking this early gives me plenty of time to be with the Lord of Creation FIRST before my brain can even begin to process what the day holds.

My wake up call may not always be 5am, but it definitely needs to be earlier than what I've made it.

God Is Love in ALL Things!

Growing up I used to hate and despise change! This blog has focused a lot around that. Throughout my late twenties I have experienced so much change it has made my head spin. More change seems to be coming my way and I have learned to take it as it comes. My tendency in the past has been to fight it off and complain. I'm choosing to pick my battles, after all God wins no matter what :)

I've learned what it means to not act more spiritual than I am lately. Sometimes I don't have all the answers. I must lean on the spiritual discernment I get from the Lord. I ask for His wisdom and guidance throughout everything life throws my way. In doing this, decisions that I may make are not always going to win over the people that surround me. I let guilt from others enter into my thoughts way too much. I am constantly wanting to please everyone and stay on the positive side of everyone's opinions. I really need to surrender this over.

I have learned how much God's love can cover me. He is always on my side. He may not always love things that I do, but He still loves ME. I try to do right by Scripture, I seek His face and counsel in all things, and try to never be anxious but present all things as my prayer and petition to Him. I have learned to lean on Him and Him alone. I have learned how much I cherish those around me who can give sound advice, yet keep opinions to themselves. As long as I follow the Lord, they continue to love and support me. I am truly thankful for that.

I've learned how much wisdom my mom has and how much I haven't given her credit for her relationship with God. I would boast too much and think too much of myself in thinking I knew more than her when it came to spiritual matters. I have since repented and asked her forgiveness for doing so. She is my mom. She tries her best to seek the Lord as my parent and friend. She wants only what is best. The Lord gave her me to take care and watch over. I seek God's love shown to me through her. It is a beautiful thing.

So in all things, God is love. Never underestimate how much He loves you!

An Old Friend

I have neglected to write and keep up with this blog for quite some time. Recent developments in my life have prompted me to pick it back up again. I have found through my writing I am able to reflect and see how good the Lord truly is to me. Remembering I had this blog, I took some time to read over past blogs. I have poured my heart out into so many of these posts and saw how I have overcome (only through Jesus!) so many situations in my life. I would love to think that my life will consist of nothing but rainbows and butterflies but that simply is not so. Who grows from nothing but happiness in their life? My greatest battles have defined who I am today. Even a mist the happiest of times in my life, God is always pruning and teaching along the way.

As of late, I have acquired someone very special to me. It only took 28 years for me to find him (or him me, I'm not sure). One thing is very certain...God orchestrated it all which deserves nothing short of an "amen"! I am now dating my best friend. Him and I have been through and watched each other in some of the battles I have written about. We still incur battles even now, but we have stuck by one another. My warm fuzzy, romantic self says he is the best thing that God has put into my life. I have seen how skeptical I had become on believing their was such a man as he. I am cherished, loved, adored, prayed for, encouraged, blown away, and so many other words that I can't even express. So much more than that is how our hearts seem to just naturally fit. So our story begins...a journey that I have been waiting a long time for God to place into my life. I am excited for so many things. I am excited to see how I feel so comfortable with this man. I am excited to see how I still put God exactly where He needs to be in this relationship as I have failed on that so many other times before. I had the tendency to want to place my significant others on pedestals while God took a back seat. Not this time. Maybe it is my age, maybe it is the season I have been in for some time, who knows but either way I am blessed.

Our relationship is one that has many opinions thrown our way. This is also nothing new to me as I know new relationships will always have skeptics and cheerleaders. Ultimately, God is our Judge and our Guide. We are fully relying on HIM to show us the way and guide our steps. We have both never felt such peace about each decision we make as we do now. I believe God has given me a real sense and Spirit of discernment. I know when I am being obedient and when I am not. Your fruit will show as evidence of that as well. In this, I am being obedient. We have sought counsel, and we have already seen evidence of God's hand on this relationship. True miracles have been shown which has been, for lack of a better word, awesome!!!

I will try harder at continuing to write especially with new developments. Let this season of my life's journey begin...

Finding My Fit

I haven't written in my blog for a long time. I'm sure at this point I don't have any readers, but it can serve as a good outlet for me. I have found that I often write when I am going through a rough time in my life. Most of my past posts have been about transitions, change, and the overall molding that God is doing with me. I have reached yet another point where this is happening to me.

Growing up was fun for a while, but now it is becoming slightly painful. I have found that recently God is pruning me again. Pruning can be a very good thing as it shapes me to be more like Christ. I won't lie though, it sucks sometimes too. What I am finding to be painful now is that I am experiencing a loneliness that I cannot recognize. This is not a loneliness of desiring a partner in life (although that will be great whenever God wants to bless me with that), but it is more of a feeling that God is preparing me for something bigger. I have no idea what this "bigger" will entail or even what it is regarding, but God is putting me in a place where I am all His. My friendships are changing drastically. I look around and I am finding that there are few that are going through the same thing I am.

I am not a person who enjoys alone time. I am the example of what extrovert is in every sense of the word :) I am also in a point in my faith where I know to listen to God when He speaks. If he is taking me to a place where He is causing me to be lonely, I must follow. I desire to be in only His will. He hasn't led me astray. But this is hard. That sentence seems so mundane but it is all I can say to express this grueling time. I have one friend who seems to be going through a similar path, but it would be unhealthy for me to cling to them instead of to the Lord. It doesn't help that this person is one of the opposite sex. I know my tendencies of attaching myself to my male friends as that is such a comfort to me, but it seems to always get me in trouble. So I know not to do that.

I am having a hard time finding where I fit within my community now. Do you ever experience times where you don't feel needed? I am a person who needs to feel needed or else I feel I am not doing what God wants me to do. I'm not pouring into people in ways that I feel I could. I also am not getting poured into either in some ways by others because as I stated, my friendships have changed drastically. So God has me alone; no where but up to look.

I constantly want to be transparent in my faith with God, so this is what this is. My honesty could come across as hostile or angry but I am neither of these things. I am not upset with God, but I am in a haze. No clue what He is doing. What I can take comfort in is knowing I do belong one place which is in His presence. So I'll just stay there for this season of life.

Transition

We all know what it is like to face different seasons of life. Pivotal shifts where relationships come and go, faith is stretched, life circumstances just seem to completely change. I always was under the impression that these "transition periods" would only occur once every few years. Wrong-o! I have come to realize that I am experiencing another pivotal shift in my life as of late. My last transition period was just last year when God just starting moving in my life in such a way that was just rocking my world, most in all good ways. A few relationships faded, one particular broke, but new relationships and experiences happened that outweighed all of that. It was truly an amazing time. One that maybe was a long time coming. Being that this was all just one year ago, I did not see this shift coming. I thought God had brought me to such a place where I felt satisfied with life, a sort of contentment, excited to see where God was moving me, and knowing I was staying with the attitude of all things new!!
Lately I started to feel off the path though. I think, without realizing it, I was making MY plans (again). How often must I go through this?? MY plans never work. It is HIS plans that will bring me joy, peace...fruit. Had I taken my eyes off my Father? No, I don't believe I have. In fact, my relationship with Him in this past year has grown in ways that I could not imagine and it has been awesome!! But you see, just because our eyes might be on God doesn't mean Satan takes any steps back. Satan knows that I can have a controlling tendency and also knows where to hit me when it comes to insecurity. My placement lately has felt off. Am I where God wants me? Am I doing what He wants me to do? How can I be glorifying Him more daily?
It came to my on one of my drives (this is where I have a lot of God-talk time) that I am being put through another transition in my life. My close friends feel that I am on the cusp of something big. God is going to do a big work in me. I think I feel that too. I still have such a frustration in dealing with it though. The process to getting to "that something big" is really tearing me up. My spirit has felt down, my dreams of what I thought life was getting ready to look like has been put away on the back burner, and I continue to hear the word "wait". I do get excited to think about how far I have come since last year and if I am going on another roller coaster ride with my Jesus, then buckle me in! I want my desires to become what He wants, no longer what I want even if they appear to be God things...everything will be brought by prayer and petition first. I cannot go through anymore heartbreak, broken relationships, feelings of despair or loneliness. I also cannot control. It is open hands only from here on out. Transition, here I come...again.

Calling

Wow. It's been a really long time since I've blog about anything! So much has happened since April, it is crazy!! I have so much that God has been doing and teaching me lately. The biggest lesson I am learning right now is to have patience and wait. Wait on God. Wait on the things that He has planned for me, and He DOES have a plan! I have been getting the tug for quite some time to ministry. Ministry is a lifestyle, yes, but I am talking about even occupationally. I am in a period in my life where I think change is about to take place in a big way. A move may happen, it may not. But I getting a sense of urgency to start preparing. What does this preparation period look like? Well, the things that I anticipate I may be getting called to is going to involve me raising quite a bit of money. As most people, I have debt. I have been on the path of getting out of this debt for a while now. I have been making more of a habit to really pray over my debt and to receive victory over it all. God has provided money to come from places I didn't know here and there. It has been pretty awesome. But I need to be more diligent in my financial decisions. I fail at this a lot. I need with this a lot. But I have decided that it is time for me to start seriously taking a look around my house and see what items do I really need? I need to start selling. This will be part of this preparation. That way, if I do move...I will not have much stuff to take with me. And even if God calls me to stay where I am, who needs a bunch of junk anyway?? I can't take it with me when I die. I don't need all these movies that are garbage anyway, I don't need old childhood things that I have saved just because my mom maybe wanted me to keep it around. It is silly. I don't need to do that. So ebay will become a great friend to me. The post office will become one of my best friends as I'm sure I will be spending a good amount of time there. I am excited to see what God brings to me. I know it will involve music. I know it will involve discipleship. Love God, Love People...that should be our mentality anyway right? I am praying and fasting so much about all of this stuff. I don't want to do anything outside of what God tells me. I pray for wisdom and guidance into where He wants me. Who knows if anyone reads this anymore, but if you do. Pray. Not only for me, but pray for where God is constantly trying to take you because He is constantly wanting to take you to new levels with Him. The more we know Him, the more we can share with others!

What I've Become

Today as I had a few minutes of down time at work...obviously still do somewhat or I wouldn't be writing this, I came across several pictures of people on facebook from high school. I drew several conclusions upon gazing at these folks now. My 10 year high school reunion will be in 2012. These same folks pretty much look the same as they did in high school. Most of their pictures involve being drunk, playing drinking games, and dabbing into all kinds of smoking. My first thought was, I was friends with some of them, but only at school. I did not party in high school. I was too busy. But how I escaped not getting sucked into this kind of lifestyle, I will never know. I went to public school and overall I really enjoyed it. I had a few close friends that I held dear to my heart (don't really talk to them anymore), but they didn't really party either so I guess that's why we got along better. I always just looked at the party crowd thinking they were just wasting their life. And now I look at them and think, "gosh, not much as changed, they are still wasting life". Then I think, none of them really know what it means to live a life for Christ and not think it sounds like a bunch of crock. They think it means just living this goody two shoes lifestyle where you don't get to have fun and have to just give up everything.

In high school, most knew of my involvement in church but I was not looked down upon. It did not make them not like me, but they knew I just wasn't that "bad girl". I was the one everyone could talk to about their problems, relationships, and just plain drama. I just got to thinking how thankful I am that God has saved me and protected me from living a life that is meaningless. I am living life for Christ the best I know how with where my journey takes me, and I am having the time of my life. I don't feel like I am missing anything. When I look at these pictures of these people as judging as it may sound, I'm glad I'm not living life the way they are. But this also means reaching out to people like them. They need to know and be able to experience what I'm experiencing!!

I've become a person who lives life to the fullest within the plans and purpose that God has for me, and I LOVE it! :)

Lost Count

My particular situation has changed in terms of I no longer will be keeping track of how many days it takes to get the result. It is not the end result but the journey that is helping me most anyways. Besides that, I have neglected writing in here for over a week now anyways that I just don't remember what day I am on!

This morning I was reaching to do my devotion, but I still had a thought from last night that I felt compelled to write about. Expectations. I find that I place such large expectations on myself and unfortunately sometimes on others. I know I am not alone in this weakness. It is so easy to do, but it is nothing but hurtful to ourselves and to those around us. It is setting ourselves up for disappointment. Last night I had a very bad night emotionally. Thoughts and feelings were brought back up about my dad and it ended up being blown out of proportion. It caused me to take a small step backwards from the release I had been feeling with my grief. And I was getting upset about that. Why??? Because I had placed an expectation on myself that I am not allowed to go backwards in where I have gone with this, and I wasn't allowing myself to feel frustrated towards what was happening. I was trying to be the strength to everyone involved when I know I can't do that. I don't have enough strength within myself to do it. Jesus can absolutely help me and give me strength through Him to handle it all, but I myself cannot.

So then I thought, ya know....the only expectation I can ever have is in Jesus. I know you are thinking, well duh! But obviously it may not be such a "well, duh" thing or more people wouldn't have this struggle of expectation. Jesus is the only one that we can place such a high regard towards in terms of what we should expect from Him. These things that we can expect, because it says in the Word, are things such as peace, comfort, strength, love, joy, power....the list can go on and on. We can have these expectations because even though Jesus was human, He is still God. And God is everything. Now, can we have the expectation that we will find all these things immediately in Him....yes, but it doesn't mean we will ALWAYS feel those things because God is God, but WE are still human. We will sometimes have these walls built up that actually hinders ourselves from God. We don't allow him access because we are still trying to do things ourselves under our own terms. We have to just SURRENDER!

Moral to this post....expectations are bad when they are on ourselves, or others. Place your expectations, frustrations, joys, and love in and on Christ!! He can handle it :)

Day 14- Major Struggle

Today I struggle...this will be an extremely transparent post. This morning I woke up and was journaling as I normally do when I am having my quiet time. I stayed with friends last night and I will again tonight which I love. As I was journaling, I was writing about how heavy my heart is right now about my situation. I feel like I am being defeated by this. I am starting to have no hope of the outcome that I have been imagining. As I reached for my Bible this morning, I started to read in Psalms but then realized that I was too angry at God to be able to want to read His Word. I feel like I am not going to find comfort in anything I could read in there. You need to remember how raw I feel right now so obviously I know that God's Word can bring peace, but I just don't feel it right now. I feel like God is charge of our hearts and my direction in life, but I am constantly having to face disappointment in this particular area in my life. When will my happy ending come? When will my emotions actually be accurate in life with these circumstances? I am fighting tears through and through today. I am at work so I won't be able to have my little cry-fest, which perhaps is better since I may be acting like a total baby. I'm trying to think on the song that goes, "I'll stand, with arms high and heart abandoned". That is all I can basically do at this point anyways. If you all who may be reading this today will just say a little prayer for me. This journey is totally becoming cracked and rocky for me. I need to be carried at this point.

Day 10 and 11

Yesterday was all in all a fairly good day. I got to get some encouraging words from several inspiring women in my life. They are a true source of strength for me when I feel I need to be carried some. This gorgeous weather is also still helping keep spirits up!
This morning I was reminded of how great God's love for us is. I was running late to work and was speeding all kinds of crazy. I then approached an accident scene that if I had been maybe just 5 min. earlier, I could have been involved in. It was then and there that I thought of the lyrics from Oh How He Loves Us. "He is jealous for me"...I realize that there are perhaps many times a day that God saves and protects us all from car accidents and the like, but today was where I really thought about it and realized how despite the struggles I face, God loves me. He hurts when I hurt. He cries when I cry. I am His precious daughter. Not having my dad here anymore sometimes allows me to forget what feeling protected feels like. I don't have daddy arms or any sort of daddy complex to remind me of shields being over me in human form. But I do have a HUGE God whose hand holds the world. What an amazing Father we serve!

Day 9-Gazing at Beauty

I am hooked on "My Beloved" by Cory Ashbury. He is an amazing artist. His CD has a mixture of all kinds of music and I am in love. Yesterday and today were good in terms of me sticking to my worship music-only times. I have also started praying outloud in my car on my way to work each morning which instills in me this power of Christ. I can really feel my Holy Spirit working. It is encouraging to think that my prayers are getting answered in the lives of those I am praying over. Of course the Penecostal in me would much rather prefer the laying of hands on these people, but this will do :) I have been frantically working on my school work today/tonight. I really do forget that I am still in school some days. Tomorrow is April Fools day and I can't remember the last time I pulled a Fools prank on someone. I'm actually normally the one getting pranked as I am probably one of the most gullible people. I see a slew of friends tomorrow so there is no telling what I may get tricked into thinking. And also side note....the weather around here has been GORGEOUS!! I have been trying to soak up the most of outdoors as my job allows during the day. This weather helps keep the spirit up too. Let everything that has breath praise the LORD!