Finding My Fit

I haven't written in my blog for a long time. I'm sure at this point I don't have any readers, but it can serve as a good outlet for me. I have found that I often write when I am going through a rough time in my life. Most of my past posts have been about transitions, change, and the overall molding that God is doing with me. I have reached yet another point where this is happening to me.

Growing up was fun for a while, but now it is becoming slightly painful. I have found that recently God is pruning me again. Pruning can be a very good thing as it shapes me to be more like Christ. I won't lie though, it sucks sometimes too. What I am finding to be painful now is that I am experiencing a loneliness that I cannot recognize. This is not a loneliness of desiring a partner in life (although that will be great whenever God wants to bless me with that), but it is more of a feeling that God is preparing me for something bigger. I have no idea what this "bigger" will entail or even what it is regarding, but God is putting me in a place where I am all His. My friendships are changing drastically. I look around and I am finding that there are few that are going through the same thing I am.

I am not a person who enjoys alone time. I am the example of what extrovert is in every sense of the word :) I am also in a point in my faith where I know to listen to God when He speaks. If he is taking me to a place where He is causing me to be lonely, I must follow. I desire to be in only His will. He hasn't led me astray. But this is hard. That sentence seems so mundane but it is all I can say to express this grueling time. I have one friend who seems to be going through a similar path, but it would be unhealthy for me to cling to them instead of to the Lord. It doesn't help that this person is one of the opposite sex. I know my tendencies of attaching myself to my male friends as that is such a comfort to me, but it seems to always get me in trouble. So I know not to do that.

I am having a hard time finding where I fit within my community now. Do you ever experience times where you don't feel needed? I am a person who needs to feel needed or else I feel I am not doing what God wants me to do. I'm not pouring into people in ways that I feel I could. I also am not getting poured into either in some ways by others because as I stated, my friendships have changed drastically. So God has me alone; no where but up to look.

I constantly want to be transparent in my faith with God, so this is what this is. My honesty could come across as hostile or angry but I am neither of these things. I am not upset with God, but I am in a haze. No clue what He is doing. What I can take comfort in is knowing I do belong one place which is in His presence. So I'll just stay there for this season of life.