Passenger Seat

I have a serious disorder called control. I am constantly trying to take the wheel or sit in the driver's seat pretending I won't start the car. This week came to head for me last night as I was talking to my boyfriend about future events. It didn't come full circle to me until this morning when I was able to sit in the quiet of the Lord's presence that this has everything to do with a heart issue. I am not practicing patience, I am not leaning on God's understanding, I am not looking to His timing, and I am not seeking His will. I am wanting to go by my own agenda and by doing so I have ended up feeling rushed, unhappy, stressed, and moody. I wonder why.
For those that even take the time to read this blog will discover a little secret. My boyfriend and I are talking marriage. We both are confident in the fact that this is something the Lord has revealed to us both that He placed us together for good. What I know I have failed in is seeking the when, where, etc. I have taken control as I normally do and have done things the way I want them. There is so much going on in both of our lives at the same time that last night I finally started to admit, "maybe soon isn't the best idea". I am extremely anxious to marry this man. Once you find him, you want to just hit "play" and keep going. Especially at this stage in my life. When you are ready, you're ready.
Then I recalled the "practice what you preach". I am constantly telling my best friend and others in relationships to take their time. To enjoy each moment of their relationship bc its the dating phase that is the most fun. I have lost what that is and I am ashamed to admit it. He is still first and foremost my best friend. I have sadly taken away his leadership capabilities and decided things for myself. He has graciously gone along with everything because he only wants me happy and he is that type of person, but it is wrong. HE needs to lead me.
So back I go into the passenger seat. We may figure out that the time-line for this wedding will still take place when we were thinking, but I am calming down about that. God needs to reveal that to my guy. I don't want it revealed to me because then I will run with it again and back to the driver's seat I go. So I may as well get comfortable because the passenger seat is where I belong and where I must stay.