I haven't written in my blog for a long time. I'm sure at this point I don't have any readers, but it can serve as a good outlet for me. I have found that I often write when I am going through a rough time in my life. Most of my past posts have been about transitions, change, and the overall molding that God is doing with me. I have reached yet another point where this is happening to me.
Growing up was fun for a while, but now it is becoming slightly painful. I have found that recently God is pruning me again. Pruning can be a very good thing as it shapes me to be more like Christ. I won't lie though, it sucks sometimes too. What I am finding to be painful now is that I am experiencing a loneliness that I cannot recognize. This is not a loneliness of desiring a partner in life (although that will be great whenever God wants to bless me with that), but it is more of a feeling that God is preparing me for something bigger. I have no idea what this "bigger" will entail or even what it is regarding, but God is putting me in a place where I am all His. My friendships are changing drastically. I look around and I am finding that there are few that are going through the same thing I am.
I am not a person who enjoys alone time. I am the example of what extrovert is in every sense of the word :) I am also in a point in my faith where I know to listen to God when He speaks. If he is taking me to a place where He is causing me to be lonely, I must follow. I desire to be in only His will. He hasn't led me astray. But this is hard. That sentence seems so mundane but it is all I can say to express this grueling time. I have one friend who seems to be going through a similar path, but it would be unhealthy for me to cling to them instead of to the Lord. It doesn't help that this person is one of the opposite sex. I know my tendencies of attaching myself to my male friends as that is such a comfort to me, but it seems to always get me in trouble. So I know not to do that.
I am having a hard time finding where I fit within my community now. Do you ever experience times where you don't feel needed? I am a person who needs to feel needed or else I feel I am not doing what God wants me to do. I'm not pouring into people in ways that I feel I could. I also am not getting poured into either in some ways by others because as I stated, my friendships have changed drastically. So God has me alone; no where but up to look.
I constantly want to be transparent in my faith with God, so this is what this is. My honesty could come across as hostile or angry but I am neither of these things. I am not upset with God, but I am in a haze. No clue what He is doing. What I can take comfort in is knowing I do belong one place which is in His presence. So I'll just stay there for this season of life.
Thursday, June 16, 2011
Monday, July 26, 2010
Transition
We all know what it is like to face different seasons of life. Pivotal shifts where relationships come and go, faith is stretched, life circumstances just seem to completely change. I always was under the impression that these "transition periods" would only occur once every few years. Wrong-o! I have come to realize that I am experiencing another pivotal shift in my life as of late. My last transition period was just last year when God just starting moving in my life in such a way that was just rocking my world, most in all good ways. A few relationships faded, one particular broke, but new relationships and experiences happened that outweighed all of that. It was truly an amazing time. One that maybe was a long time coming. Being that this was all just one year ago, I did not see this shift coming. I thought God had brought me to such a place where I felt satisfied with life, a sort of contentment, excited to see where God was moving me, and knowing I was staying with the attitude of all things new!!
Lately I started to feel off the path though. I think, without realizing it, I was making MY plans (again). How often must I go through this?? MY plans never work. It is HIS plans that will bring me joy, peace...fruit. Had I taken my eyes off my Father? No, I don't believe I have. In fact, my relationship with Him in this past year has grown in ways that I could not imagine and it has been awesome!! But you see, just because our eyes might be on God doesn't mean Satan takes any steps back. Satan knows that I can have a controlling tendency and also knows where to hit me when it comes to insecurity. My placement lately has felt off. Am I where God wants me? Am I doing what He wants me to do? How can I be glorifying Him more daily?
It came to my on one of my drives (this is where I have a lot of God-talk time) that I am being put through another transition in my life. My close friends feel that I am on the cusp of something big. God is going to do a big work in me. I think I feel that too. I still have such a frustration in dealing with it though. The process to getting to "that something big" is really tearing me up. My spirit has felt down, my dreams of what I thought life was getting ready to look like has been put away on the back burner, and I continue to hear the word "wait". I do get excited to think about how far I have come since last year and if I am going on another roller coaster ride with my Jesus, then buckle me in! I want my desires to become what He wants, no longer what I want even if they appear to be God things...everything will be brought by prayer and petition first. I cannot go through anymore heartbreak, broken relationships, feelings of despair or loneliness. I also cannot control. It is open hands only from here on out. Transition, here I come...again.
Lately I started to feel off the path though. I think, without realizing it, I was making MY plans (again). How often must I go through this?? MY plans never work. It is HIS plans that will bring me joy, peace...fruit. Had I taken my eyes off my Father? No, I don't believe I have. In fact, my relationship with Him in this past year has grown in ways that I could not imagine and it has been awesome!! But you see, just because our eyes might be on God doesn't mean Satan takes any steps back. Satan knows that I can have a controlling tendency and also knows where to hit me when it comes to insecurity. My placement lately has felt off. Am I where God wants me? Am I doing what He wants me to do? How can I be glorifying Him more daily?
It came to my on one of my drives (this is where I have a lot of God-talk time) that I am being put through another transition in my life. My close friends feel that I am on the cusp of something big. God is going to do a big work in me. I think I feel that too. I still have such a frustration in dealing with it though. The process to getting to "that something big" is really tearing me up. My spirit has felt down, my dreams of what I thought life was getting ready to look like has been put away on the back burner, and I continue to hear the word "wait". I do get excited to think about how far I have come since last year and if I am going on another roller coaster ride with my Jesus, then buckle me in! I want my desires to become what He wants, no longer what I want even if they appear to be God things...everything will be brought by prayer and petition first. I cannot go through anymore heartbreak, broken relationships, feelings of despair or loneliness. I also cannot control. It is open hands only from here on out. Transition, here I come...again.
Wednesday, July 14, 2010
Calling
Wow. It's been a really long time since I've blog about anything! So much has happened since April, it is crazy!! I have so much that God has been doing and teaching me lately. The biggest lesson I am learning right now is to have patience and wait. Wait on God. Wait on the things that He has planned for me, and He DOES have a plan! I have been getting the tug for quite some time to ministry. Ministry is a lifestyle, yes, but I am talking about even occupationally. I am in a period in my life where I think change is about to take place in a big way. A move may happen, it may not. But I getting a sense of urgency to start preparing. What does this preparation period look like? Well, the things that I anticipate I may be getting called to is going to involve me raising quite a bit of money. As most people, I have debt. I have been on the path of getting out of this debt for a while now. I have been making more of a habit to really pray over my debt and to receive victory over it all. God has provided money to come from places I didn't know here and there. It has been pretty awesome. But I need to be more diligent in my financial decisions. I fail at this a lot. I need with this a lot. But I have decided that it is time for me to start seriously taking a look around my house and see what items do I really need? I need to start selling. This will be part of this preparation. That way, if I do move...I will not have much stuff to take with me. And even if God calls me to stay where I am, who needs a bunch of junk anyway?? I can't take it with me when I die. I don't need all these movies that are garbage anyway, I don't need old childhood things that I have saved just because my mom maybe wanted me to keep it around. It is silly. I don't need to do that. So ebay will become a great friend to me. The post office will become one of my best friends as I'm sure I will be spending a good amount of time there. I am excited to see what God brings to me. I know it will involve music. I know it will involve discipleship. Love God, Love People...that should be our mentality anyway right? I am praying and fasting so much about all of this stuff. I don't want to do anything outside of what God tells me. I pray for wisdom and guidance into where He wants me. Who knows if anyone reads this anymore, but if you do. Pray. Not only for me, but pray for where God is constantly trying to take you because He is constantly wanting to take you to new levels with Him. The more we know Him, the more we can share with others!
Tuesday, April 27, 2010
What I've Become
Today as I had a few minutes of down time at work...obviously still do somewhat or I wouldn't be writing this, I came across several pictures of people on facebook from high school. I drew several conclusions upon gazing at these folks now. My 10 year high school reunion will be in 2012. These same folks pretty much look the same as they did in high school. Most of their pictures involve being drunk, playing drinking games, and dabbing into all kinds of smoking. My first thought was, I was friends with some of them, but only at school. I did not party in high school. I was too busy. But how I escaped not getting sucked into this kind of lifestyle, I will never know. I went to public school and overall I really enjoyed it. I had a few close friends that I held dear to my heart (don't really talk to them anymore), but they didn't really party either so I guess that's why we got along better. I always just looked at the party crowd thinking they were just wasting their life. And now I look at them and think, "gosh, not much as changed, they are still wasting life". Then I think, none of them really know what it means to live a life for Christ and not think it sounds like a bunch of crock. They think it means just living this goody two shoes lifestyle where you don't get to have fun and have to just give up everything.
In high school, most knew of my involvement in church but I was not looked down upon. It did not make them not like me, but they knew I just wasn't that "bad girl". I was the one everyone could talk to about their problems, relationships, and just plain drama. I just got to thinking how thankful I am that God has saved me and protected me from living a life that is meaningless. I am living life for Christ the best I know how with where my journey takes me, and I am having the time of my life. I don't feel like I am missing anything. When I look at these pictures of these people as judging as it may sound, I'm glad I'm not living life the way they are. But this also means reaching out to people like them. They need to know and be able to experience what I'm experiencing!!
I've become a person who lives life to the fullest within the plans and purpose that God has for me, and I LOVE it! :)
In high school, most knew of my involvement in church but I was not looked down upon. It did not make them not like me, but they knew I just wasn't that "bad girl". I was the one everyone could talk to about their problems, relationships, and just plain drama. I just got to thinking how thankful I am that God has saved me and protected me from living a life that is meaningless. I am living life for Christ the best I know how with where my journey takes me, and I am having the time of my life. I don't feel like I am missing anything. When I look at these pictures of these people as judging as it may sound, I'm glad I'm not living life the way they are. But this also means reaching out to people like them. They need to know and be able to experience what I'm experiencing!!
I've become a person who lives life to the fullest within the plans and purpose that God has for me, and I LOVE it! :)
Thursday, April 15, 2010
Lost Count
My particular situation has changed in terms of I no longer will be keeping track of how many days it takes to get the result. It is not the end result but the journey that is helping me most anyways. Besides that, I have neglected writing in here for over a week now anyways that I just don't remember what day I am on!
This morning I was reaching to do my devotion, but I still had a thought from last night that I felt compelled to write about. Expectations. I find that I place such large expectations on myself and unfortunately sometimes on others. I know I am not alone in this weakness. It is so easy to do, but it is nothing but hurtful to ourselves and to those around us. It is setting ourselves up for disappointment. Last night I had a very bad night emotionally. Thoughts and feelings were brought back up about my dad and it ended up being blown out of proportion. It caused me to take a small step backwards from the release I had been feeling with my grief. And I was getting upset about that. Why??? Because I had placed an expectation on myself that I am not allowed to go backwards in where I have gone with this, and I wasn't allowing myself to feel frustrated towards what was happening. I was trying to be the strength to everyone involved when I know I can't do that. I don't have enough strength within myself to do it. Jesus can absolutely help me and give me strength through Him to handle it all, but I myself cannot.
So then I thought, ya know....the only expectation I can ever have is in Jesus. I know you are thinking, well duh! But obviously it may not be such a "well, duh" thing or more people wouldn't have this struggle of expectation. Jesus is the only one that we can place such a high regard towards in terms of what we should expect from Him. These things that we can expect, because it says in the Word, are things such as peace, comfort, strength, love, joy, power....the list can go on and on. We can have these expectations because even though Jesus was human, He is still God. And God is everything. Now, can we have the expectation that we will find all these things immediately in Him....yes, but it doesn't mean we will ALWAYS feel those things because God is God, but WE are still human. We will sometimes have these walls built up that actually hinders ourselves from God. We don't allow him access because we are still trying to do things ourselves under our own terms. We have to just SURRENDER!
Moral to this post....expectations are bad when they are on ourselves, or others. Place your expectations, frustrations, joys, and love in and on Christ!! He can handle it :)
This morning I was reaching to do my devotion, but I still had a thought from last night that I felt compelled to write about. Expectations. I find that I place such large expectations on myself and unfortunately sometimes on others. I know I am not alone in this weakness. It is so easy to do, but it is nothing but hurtful to ourselves and to those around us. It is setting ourselves up for disappointment. Last night I had a very bad night emotionally. Thoughts and feelings were brought back up about my dad and it ended up being blown out of proportion. It caused me to take a small step backwards from the release I had been feeling with my grief. And I was getting upset about that. Why??? Because I had placed an expectation on myself that I am not allowed to go backwards in where I have gone with this, and I wasn't allowing myself to feel frustrated towards what was happening. I was trying to be the strength to everyone involved when I know I can't do that. I don't have enough strength within myself to do it. Jesus can absolutely help me and give me strength through Him to handle it all, but I myself cannot.
So then I thought, ya know....the only expectation I can ever have is in Jesus. I know you are thinking, well duh! But obviously it may not be such a "well, duh" thing or more people wouldn't have this struggle of expectation. Jesus is the only one that we can place such a high regard towards in terms of what we should expect from Him. These things that we can expect, because it says in the Word, are things such as peace, comfort, strength, love, joy, power....the list can go on and on. We can have these expectations because even though Jesus was human, He is still God. And God is everything. Now, can we have the expectation that we will find all these things immediately in Him....yes, but it doesn't mean we will ALWAYS feel those things because God is God, but WE are still human. We will sometimes have these walls built up that actually hinders ourselves from God. We don't allow him access because we are still trying to do things ourselves under our own terms. We have to just SURRENDER!
Moral to this post....expectations are bad when they are on ourselves, or others. Place your expectations, frustrations, joys, and love in and on Christ!! He can handle it :)
Monday, April 5, 2010
Day 14- Major Struggle
Today I struggle...this will be an extremely transparent post. This morning I woke up and was journaling as I normally do when I am having my quiet time. I stayed with friends last night and I will again tonight which I love. As I was journaling, I was writing about how heavy my heart is right now about my situation. I feel like I am being defeated by this. I am starting to have no hope of the outcome that I have been imagining. As I reached for my Bible this morning, I started to read in Psalms but then realized that I was too angry at God to be able to want to read His Word. I feel like I am not going to find comfort in anything I could read in there. You need to remember how raw I feel right now so obviously I know that God's Word can bring peace, but I just don't feel it right now. I feel like God is charge of our hearts and my direction in life, but I am constantly having to face disappointment in this particular area in my life. When will my happy ending come? When will my emotions actually be accurate in life with these circumstances? I am fighting tears through and through today. I am at work so I won't be able to have my little cry-fest, which perhaps is better since I may be acting like a total baby. I'm trying to think on the song that goes, "I'll stand, with arms high and heart abandoned". That is all I can basically do at this point anyways. If you all who may be reading this today will just say a little prayer for me. This journey is totally becoming cracked and rocky for me. I need to be carried at this point.
Friday, April 2, 2010
Day 10 and 11
Yesterday was all in all a fairly good day. I got to get some encouraging words from several inspiring women in my life. They are a true source of strength for me when I feel I need to be carried some. This gorgeous weather is also still helping keep spirits up!
This morning I was reminded of how great God's love for us is. I was running late to work and was speeding all kinds of crazy. I then approached an accident scene that if I had been maybe just 5 min. earlier, I could have been involved in. It was then and there that I thought of the lyrics from Oh How He Loves Us. "He is jealous for me"...I realize that there are perhaps many times a day that God saves and protects us all from car accidents and the like, but today was where I really thought about it and realized how despite the struggles I face, God loves me. He hurts when I hurt. He cries when I cry. I am His precious daughter. Not having my dad here anymore sometimes allows me to forget what feeling protected feels like. I don't have daddy arms or any sort of daddy complex to remind me of shields being over me in human form. But I do have a HUGE God whose hand holds the world. What an amazing Father we serve!
This morning I was reminded of how great God's love for us is. I was running late to work and was speeding all kinds of crazy. I then approached an accident scene that if I had been maybe just 5 min. earlier, I could have been involved in. It was then and there that I thought of the lyrics from Oh How He Loves Us. "He is jealous for me"...I realize that there are perhaps many times a day that God saves and protects us all from car accidents and the like, but today was where I really thought about it and realized how despite the struggles I face, God loves me. He hurts when I hurt. He cries when I cry. I am His precious daughter. Not having my dad here anymore sometimes allows me to forget what feeling protected feels like. I don't have daddy arms or any sort of daddy complex to remind me of shields being over me in human form. But I do have a HUGE God whose hand holds the world. What an amazing Father we serve!
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