Brand New

Most of my friends would tell you that I am an open book. I don't ever see the point in reserving anything about myself to anyone. I like to dive in and dive deep when it comes to people. This can either lead to a completely amazing friendship, or a complete disaster. I have the ability to allow others to become as transparent as I am, or to scare them with the pressure. As open as I may be, perhaps there is a side to me that I am still learning about. Some of it can be very ugly. Only God knows my inner thoughts. Some of it even scares me to find out how passionate I can get in certain situations or specific topics. My dad used to always tell me that journaling can be an escape to learn more about God and yourself. This is precisely what I intend to do through this blog. I may be the only person who ever reads it, but it can be my way of escape. It will be my way of being an open book on all aspects of life. And so it begins...

You know those days that you want to just climb back in bed and start over? Why do we ever say that? Sure, I've felt like that probably 3 days out of every week over the past year of my life. Let's face it, I am a girl in my 20s, single, and seem to always want to change things in my life when it is those very changes that scare me the most. A little confusing, so let me explain. I have always been someone who loves, no, cherishes, tradition. I love how my family seems to do the same things for most holidays. I love how my mom hates to cook, but she has about 5 dishes that she makes throughout the year that I never want her to stop cooking. I love and cherish making memories that actually could be a repeat of the same memory from the year before. Tradition is security for me. When changes happen in life, which become more frequent with age, some of them can fall into place so easily and you find yourself already comfortable with them. Other changes, scare the living daylights out of you. When I say that I seem to like certain changes in life, the ones I love are the ones I control; rearranging furniture, moving to a new place in the same town, saying good-bye to friends whom I know I will never lose touch with, learning new skills and finding places to apply them. These are all wonderful changes that give me a sense of renewal. As silly as it sounds, some of those changes make me feel like I am growing up.

As soon as I lose control of change, that is where I lose myself. I have complete confidence that God knows what He is doing with my life. But does He know that by not letting me know if I am going to stay where I am for the next year, is really good to keep from me? Or what about the feeling of everyone else finding their "niche" in life while I still feel like a fish swimming in circles? Am I single because I am not ready or because he's not? I think I'm happy with life, but am I? I believe that He is God of all creation and that He knew me in my mother's womb, but do I trust it? Why are there weeks where I feel like everyone has burdens and I feel the need to help, but can't? God takes things out of our hands because He knows we can't handle it sometimes. True, but is it hard for me to find peace in that? That peace that surpasses all understanding. Perhaps God does give me that and does change things in my life that I don't want changed because I don't want change. Not to punish me. To grow me. These are all things I know, but have a hard time with emotionally.

I should also share that I am one sentimental, emotional over-analyzer. It's a lot to put up with to say the least. Most of that comes from my dad. My mom was our rock. She sees things as they are. The realist. She definitely has her emotions, don't get me wrong, but my dad and I could obsess over the smallest thing. When I was little I remember my parents would go out on our boat off the East Coast just to watch the sunset. I used to think, "how boring!", and whine and decide to stay at the house while they went to watch the stupid sun set. After all, it does the same thing every day. What is so special?! Don't you hate it when you remember your parents telling you that you would appreciate it later in life and then you do?? I totally understand why they went out on that boat. First of all, before my dad passed away, he told me that he would feel his mom's presence as well as God whenever he would watch that sunset. As it turned out, my parents did not talk much while they watched. He described the sense of peace he would feel. He could be having the craziest week at work, and all it would take was one look at those reds, purples, and yellows across the sky to warm his heart. He told me that if I ever needed to find him, he would be in those sunsets. I don't know if it could be psychological. Maybe it is my sentimental, emotional side that takes over, but every sunset that I am able to really capture, I feel warmth. I feel that peace that passes all understanding. Sometimes I can walk away and go right back to the hectic, stressful day I was having, but at least for a few moments, I am able to soak warmth from the sunset.

Try it. Maybe then you will know what I'm talking about. So my open book, the beautiful and ugly parts that are me, can best be seen through a sunset.