Day 14- Major Struggle

Today I struggle...this will be an extremely transparent post. This morning I woke up and was journaling as I normally do when I am having my quiet time. I stayed with friends last night and I will again tonight which I love. As I was journaling, I was writing about how heavy my heart is right now about my situation. I feel like I am being defeated by this. I am starting to have no hope of the outcome that I have been imagining. As I reached for my Bible this morning, I started to read in Psalms but then realized that I was too angry at God to be able to want to read His Word. I feel like I am not going to find comfort in anything I could read in there. You need to remember how raw I feel right now so obviously I know that God's Word can bring peace, but I just don't feel it right now. I feel like God is charge of our hearts and my direction in life, but I am constantly having to face disappointment in this particular area in my life. When will my happy ending come? When will my emotions actually be accurate in life with these circumstances? I am fighting tears through and through today. I am at work so I won't be able to have my little cry-fest, which perhaps is better since I may be acting like a total baby. I'm trying to think on the song that goes, "I'll stand, with arms high and heart abandoned". That is all I can basically do at this point anyways. If you all who may be reading this today will just say a little prayer for me. This journey is totally becoming cracked and rocky for me. I need to be carried at this point.

Day 10 and 11

Yesterday was all in all a fairly good day. I got to get some encouraging words from several inspiring women in my life. They are a true source of strength for me when I feel I need to be carried some. This gorgeous weather is also still helping keep spirits up!
This morning I was reminded of how great God's love for us is. I was running late to work and was speeding all kinds of crazy. I then approached an accident scene that if I had been maybe just 5 min. earlier, I could have been involved in. It was then and there that I thought of the lyrics from Oh How He Loves Us. "He is jealous for me"...I realize that there are perhaps many times a day that God saves and protects us all from car accidents and the like, but today was where I really thought about it and realized how despite the struggles I face, God loves me. He hurts when I hurt. He cries when I cry. I am His precious daughter. Not having my dad here anymore sometimes allows me to forget what feeling protected feels like. I don't have daddy arms or any sort of daddy complex to remind me of shields being over me in human form. But I do have a HUGE God whose hand holds the world. What an amazing Father we serve!

Day 9-Gazing at Beauty

I am hooked on "My Beloved" by Cory Ashbury. He is an amazing artist. His CD has a mixture of all kinds of music and I am in love. Yesterday and today were good in terms of me sticking to my worship music-only times. I have also started praying outloud in my car on my way to work each morning which instills in me this power of Christ. I can really feel my Holy Spirit working. It is encouraging to think that my prayers are getting answered in the lives of those I am praying over. Of course the Penecostal in me would much rather prefer the laying of hands on these people, but this will do :) I have been frantically working on my school work today/tonight. I really do forget that I am still in school some days. Tomorrow is April Fools day and I can't remember the last time I pulled a Fools prank on someone. I'm actually normally the one getting pranked as I am probably one of the most gullible people. I see a slew of friends tomorrow so there is no telling what I may get tricked into thinking. And also side note....the weather around here has been GORGEOUS!! I have been trying to soak up the most of outdoors as my job allows during the day. This weather helps keep the spirit up too. Let everything that has breath praise the LORD!

Day 7 and 8

Already skipping days, shame on me. I was so exhausted yesterday and not feeling good because of it though that I just didn't have the energy to turn my computer on since I stare at it all day at work. I am determined to bite this dumb insecurity in the butt right now. As I wrote on day 1, this is to be a time where I just really grow in the Lord. This is not a time for me to be down on myself, my situations, or anyone else for that matter. I have also decided that as much as I absolutely love music of all styles and genres, I need to just focus on my worship music right now. I tend to listen to majority worship music anyway, but I need to make it an all-around time. Luckily, I have been able to keep to my Bible reading and journal writing each morning. I totally sacrifice sleep to do so, but I just cannot stand waiting until the afternoon before I can "put on my armor".
So many of you have been such an amazing source of encouragement for me and I can't tell you how much it means to me to have you guys praying for me and just giving me words of affirmation. Please keep it up..especially to those who know of my situation. Love you guys!

Day 6- Pruning

Today's post will be short as I am extremely tired and wanting to go to bed! This weekend all in all was definitely a challenge. I believe that some breaking down started to occur that perhaps needed to happen. Today I was able to just remember how much God loves me, and also how pruning is just a part of the process in our spiritual growth. I would rather God prune me as a branch as opposed to throwing me into the fire. Tonight I also had the privilege to have wonderful Godly women pray over me. I have started to have such a better prayer life these days which really makes me happy because for whatever the reason, prayer has always been a hard discipline for me. Worship is never hard for me to do because I am constantly singing, but prayer is another story. I think a lot of it has to do with the fact that I hardly ever get myself quiet enough to take the time out to really just sit in the quiet lap of my Father. During this journey, I do feel that prayer will become a larger portion of my spiritual growth and I am excited about that.

Day 5- Fear

I certainly hope yesterday and todays themes are not to be the way I will feel for the next 2 months. I would like to think that I am getting all negative feelings out of the way now, then it can only get easier from here. That may be wishful thinking, but then again...my God can restore and can heal :) So in a previous post I spoke about the verse that tells us to trust in God's unfailing love. My verse today told me to praise Him for His unfailing love. How appropriate. We trust so that then we can praise! I have not done so well with praising Him today. I haven't really done much of anything. I've been somewhat indifferent. I have gotten things accomplished around my house, caught up on some must needed rest, and had great bonding with my roommate, but not much on praising Him.
The title of the post speaks of fear. The fear is of being hurt. Usually the things that we learn the most from go hand-in-hand with dealing with pain. At least it does for me. Things in my past that have hurt me the most, I have come out with the greatest strength. It is God's way of pruning me as His branch. (Read in John about the Vine and the Branches). I don't mind being pruned so that I may be a better servant for Him, but when it involves my heart...I get scared and timid. Don't you?
Anyway, tonight will be filled with fun and I'm sure a lot of laughs so I am looking forward to that. And whenever I am with a group of friends, I always am thanking God in the back of my mind no matter what we are doing for giving me these wonderful blessings :) So for now and the rest of the night...I praise you Jesus for the love you give me without fail!

Day 4- Insecure

It could be the rain. It could be the fact that I am sooo exhausted, but I am feeling insecure today about myself and my situation. It is amazing how I can have so many awesome, good days and then BAM! Satan knows where to attack. I had to face something last night that had a lot to do with this whole 2 month process and it was just a very different feeling. I started questioning if the outcome of this time is going to be what I hope it to be. I start questioning motives, my actions, my thoughts, etc. I question everything. Then I remember how much of an over-analyzer I am. My friends can all attest to that. So I have to remain and be still. Ps. 56:10 reminded me of this. It says, "In God, whose word I praise, in the Lord, whose word I praise--in God I trust; I will not be afraid. What can man do to me?" Powerful! Thank you Jesus! So that is precisely what I need to remember. It is precisely what we all need to remember. I do plan on going home and making brownies and watching movies tonight which will help too :) Chocolate and chick flicks are always a good comfort too. I end with a song since music is always what can speak to me most, especially worship...

"Oh no, You never let go. Through the calm and through the storm.
Oh no, You never let go. Every high and every low,
Oh no, You never let go, Lord, You never let go of me."