I was introduced to an artisit, well two actually that have been speaking volumes to me lately. Missy Higgins and Holly Brooks. They both know how to speak to a girl's hurting heart, that's for sure. My heart is definitely hurting. There have been a series of events that have happened to me this month that I am sure has something to do with growth or something to that effect. I just want the pain and agony to leave. So going back to these two ladies...my best friend introduced me to this song "They weren't there". I then also really love "Heavy". I try to limit how many times a day I listen to these songs because I have noticed that the music behind these amazing lyrics, does not help me to get out of a depressive state. Friends would be shocked to see me in this state that I am in. I have never been known to be a depressing person. I am normally a very upbeat, happy person. I have tried my hardest to shake out of this rut, but it is going to be the death of me, I swear. I have never felt more alone. I cry a lot. That could be taken as an understatement coming from a girl who cries at the drop of a hat, but it is more than usual. And it is the kind of crying that after a while you shove down but you know you aren't done. I normally have to shove it down though because my roommate will come home, or I am driving in the daylight and I don't want people to see. It doesn't help that this month is also the time that I lost my dad 3 years ago. That pretty much has put the icing on the cake. I'm getting off subject...back to the song. I find that circumstances that I have in my life, people never can see my perspective on it. I end up making enemies about my situations. They may try their hardest to see my point, but I know they don't. This song is an expression of that. People weren't in my situations. They don't have my feelings, my eyes, my heart. So to sum up, I grieve my dad and I also am grieving what I fear to be, a friend. I hate losing people in my life. It hurts. And especially when I have no control over it. I know that this is becoming more rambling than anything else, but what is the point of blogs.. :) Anyway, I'm pretty unsure about myself and what the future holds at the present. I do know that God is in all of it. I know that he is my comforter, and He loves me more than I could ever imagine. I don't really feel that love, but I know it's there. This is just a difficult time. Sorry for such a depressing post, but it's all I got at this point.
3 comments:
Kara,
I am sorry that you are hurting so badly. I am I also sorry that we lost touch. I miss you often. I won't say that I know how YOU feel, because like you said...I don't. I do know how I have felt though which in some ways I feel like I can at least sympathize and relate to you on. I, too, have felt like I will never ever in a million years stop crying. It's like you live to cry. You wake up, you cry. You eat, you cry. You shower, you cry. etc, etc. And it always seems to happen to me when I really feel the loss of my father, or grandparents, or sibling, or whoever it may be. It's an ache that I sometimes just "get through" day to day, you know? Now I am rambling...Anyway, I just wanted to tell you that even though I don't know precisely how you feel and I never will know exactly how your heart hurts...I care for you and I am very sorry that your heart hurts. I will be praying for you.
PS...this is LindsEy.
Thanks Lindsey! I miss the friendship we had as well. I remember our old times often too and smile :) Things are getting better but just not in the areas of my life that I feel need to be getting better...if that even makes any sense. But I do appreciate your prayers and I know that to a certain degree, you do understand where I am coming from. It's a comfort to know that people out there do know how I feel.
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