What I've Become

Today as I had a few minutes of down time at work...obviously still do somewhat or I wouldn't be writing this, I came across several pictures of people on facebook from high school. I drew several conclusions upon gazing at these folks now. My 10 year high school reunion will be in 2012. These same folks pretty much look the same as they did in high school. Most of their pictures involve being drunk, playing drinking games, and dabbing into all kinds of smoking. My first thought was, I was friends with some of them, but only at school. I did not party in high school. I was too busy. But how I escaped not getting sucked into this kind of lifestyle, I will never know. I went to public school and overall I really enjoyed it. I had a few close friends that I held dear to my heart (don't really talk to them anymore), but they didn't really party either so I guess that's why we got along better. I always just looked at the party crowd thinking they were just wasting their life. And now I look at them and think, "gosh, not much as changed, they are still wasting life". Then I think, none of them really know what it means to live a life for Christ and not think it sounds like a bunch of crock. They think it means just living this goody two shoes lifestyle where you don't get to have fun and have to just give up everything.

In high school, most knew of my involvement in church but I was not looked down upon. It did not make them not like me, but they knew I just wasn't that "bad girl". I was the one everyone could talk to about their problems, relationships, and just plain drama. I just got to thinking how thankful I am that God has saved me and protected me from living a life that is meaningless. I am living life for Christ the best I know how with where my journey takes me, and I am having the time of my life. I don't feel like I am missing anything. When I look at these pictures of these people as judging as it may sound, I'm glad I'm not living life the way they are. But this also means reaching out to people like them. They need to know and be able to experience what I'm experiencing!!

I've become a person who lives life to the fullest within the plans and purpose that God has for me, and I LOVE it! :)

Lost Count

My particular situation has changed in terms of I no longer will be keeping track of how many days it takes to get the result. It is not the end result but the journey that is helping me most anyways. Besides that, I have neglected writing in here for over a week now anyways that I just don't remember what day I am on!

This morning I was reaching to do my devotion, but I still had a thought from last night that I felt compelled to write about. Expectations. I find that I place such large expectations on myself and unfortunately sometimes on others. I know I am not alone in this weakness. It is so easy to do, but it is nothing but hurtful to ourselves and to those around us. It is setting ourselves up for disappointment. Last night I had a very bad night emotionally. Thoughts and feelings were brought back up about my dad and it ended up being blown out of proportion. It caused me to take a small step backwards from the release I had been feeling with my grief. And I was getting upset about that. Why??? Because I had placed an expectation on myself that I am not allowed to go backwards in where I have gone with this, and I wasn't allowing myself to feel frustrated towards what was happening. I was trying to be the strength to everyone involved when I know I can't do that. I don't have enough strength within myself to do it. Jesus can absolutely help me and give me strength through Him to handle it all, but I myself cannot.

So then I thought, ya know....the only expectation I can ever have is in Jesus. I know you are thinking, well duh! But obviously it may not be such a "well, duh" thing or more people wouldn't have this struggle of expectation. Jesus is the only one that we can place such a high regard towards in terms of what we should expect from Him. These things that we can expect, because it says in the Word, are things such as peace, comfort, strength, love, joy, power....the list can go on and on. We can have these expectations because even though Jesus was human, He is still God. And God is everything. Now, can we have the expectation that we will find all these things immediately in Him....yes, but it doesn't mean we will ALWAYS feel those things because God is God, but WE are still human. We will sometimes have these walls built up that actually hinders ourselves from God. We don't allow him access because we are still trying to do things ourselves under our own terms. We have to just SURRENDER!

Moral to this post....expectations are bad when they are on ourselves, or others. Place your expectations, frustrations, joys, and love in and on Christ!! He can handle it :)

Day 14- Major Struggle

Today I struggle...this will be an extremely transparent post. This morning I woke up and was journaling as I normally do when I am having my quiet time. I stayed with friends last night and I will again tonight which I love. As I was journaling, I was writing about how heavy my heart is right now about my situation. I feel like I am being defeated by this. I am starting to have no hope of the outcome that I have been imagining. As I reached for my Bible this morning, I started to read in Psalms but then realized that I was too angry at God to be able to want to read His Word. I feel like I am not going to find comfort in anything I could read in there. You need to remember how raw I feel right now so obviously I know that God's Word can bring peace, but I just don't feel it right now. I feel like God is charge of our hearts and my direction in life, but I am constantly having to face disappointment in this particular area in my life. When will my happy ending come? When will my emotions actually be accurate in life with these circumstances? I am fighting tears through and through today. I am at work so I won't be able to have my little cry-fest, which perhaps is better since I may be acting like a total baby. I'm trying to think on the song that goes, "I'll stand, with arms high and heart abandoned". That is all I can basically do at this point anyways. If you all who may be reading this today will just say a little prayer for me. This journey is totally becoming cracked and rocky for me. I need to be carried at this point.

Day 10 and 11

Yesterday was all in all a fairly good day. I got to get some encouraging words from several inspiring women in my life. They are a true source of strength for me when I feel I need to be carried some. This gorgeous weather is also still helping keep spirits up!
This morning I was reminded of how great God's love for us is. I was running late to work and was speeding all kinds of crazy. I then approached an accident scene that if I had been maybe just 5 min. earlier, I could have been involved in. It was then and there that I thought of the lyrics from Oh How He Loves Us. "He is jealous for me"...I realize that there are perhaps many times a day that God saves and protects us all from car accidents and the like, but today was where I really thought about it and realized how despite the struggles I face, God loves me. He hurts when I hurt. He cries when I cry. I am His precious daughter. Not having my dad here anymore sometimes allows me to forget what feeling protected feels like. I don't have daddy arms or any sort of daddy complex to remind me of shields being over me in human form. But I do have a HUGE God whose hand holds the world. What an amazing Father we serve!

Day 9-Gazing at Beauty

I am hooked on "My Beloved" by Cory Ashbury. He is an amazing artist. His CD has a mixture of all kinds of music and I am in love. Yesterday and today were good in terms of me sticking to my worship music-only times. I have also started praying outloud in my car on my way to work each morning which instills in me this power of Christ. I can really feel my Holy Spirit working. It is encouraging to think that my prayers are getting answered in the lives of those I am praying over. Of course the Penecostal in me would much rather prefer the laying of hands on these people, but this will do :) I have been frantically working on my school work today/tonight. I really do forget that I am still in school some days. Tomorrow is April Fools day and I can't remember the last time I pulled a Fools prank on someone. I'm actually normally the one getting pranked as I am probably one of the most gullible people. I see a slew of friends tomorrow so there is no telling what I may get tricked into thinking. And also side note....the weather around here has been GORGEOUS!! I have been trying to soak up the most of outdoors as my job allows during the day. This weather helps keep the spirit up too. Let everything that has breath praise the LORD!

Day 7 and 8

Already skipping days, shame on me. I was so exhausted yesterday and not feeling good because of it though that I just didn't have the energy to turn my computer on since I stare at it all day at work. I am determined to bite this dumb insecurity in the butt right now. As I wrote on day 1, this is to be a time where I just really grow in the Lord. This is not a time for me to be down on myself, my situations, or anyone else for that matter. I have also decided that as much as I absolutely love music of all styles and genres, I need to just focus on my worship music right now. I tend to listen to majority worship music anyway, but I need to make it an all-around time. Luckily, I have been able to keep to my Bible reading and journal writing each morning. I totally sacrifice sleep to do so, but I just cannot stand waiting until the afternoon before I can "put on my armor".
So many of you have been such an amazing source of encouragement for me and I can't tell you how much it means to me to have you guys praying for me and just giving me words of affirmation. Please keep it up..especially to those who know of my situation. Love you guys!

Day 6- Pruning

Today's post will be short as I am extremely tired and wanting to go to bed! This weekend all in all was definitely a challenge. I believe that some breaking down started to occur that perhaps needed to happen. Today I was able to just remember how much God loves me, and also how pruning is just a part of the process in our spiritual growth. I would rather God prune me as a branch as opposed to throwing me into the fire. Tonight I also had the privilege to have wonderful Godly women pray over me. I have started to have such a better prayer life these days which really makes me happy because for whatever the reason, prayer has always been a hard discipline for me. Worship is never hard for me to do because I am constantly singing, but prayer is another story. I think a lot of it has to do with the fact that I hardly ever get myself quiet enough to take the time out to really just sit in the quiet lap of my Father. During this journey, I do feel that prayer will become a larger portion of my spiritual growth and I am excited about that.