Leap of Faith

Perhaps that isn' the best title for this entry. I fear that those that may read this might chuckle at what I am about to say. Every Christmas season I end up going to about an average of 3 shows. I love the theater and the music in each one. Some do not know this, but in high school even before that, I lived to perform. LOVED it!!! There was a thrill about being on a stage knowing that everyone viewed you as entertainment. It was awesome. Dancing has always been my passion. I do love to sing, I do think that is a gift that Lord has given me (not tooting my own horn), but singing AND dancing together...even better. About 2 years ago, I was in Myrtle Beach seeing the Carolina Opry Christmas show. I seriously started to consider doing that. I thought how exciting that life would be. I love the thought of practicing over and over again. I love the thought of being surrounded by the same people all the time and forming such a deep relationship that they become your family. Then there is the final product. People actually paying money to watch someone just use their gifts and talents. Well...the thought is coming back. I may be going really extreme here, but what if this is something that I am being called to?? You can be Christ in a theater just as much as you can at an office job. And I would love it. It's something to think about. First step is research. Finding what it takes to audition...I fear that voice lessons may need to enter my life again...maybe a few dance classes. Who knows. This may be just something I feel passionate about for a season and never follow thru (I tend to have those a lot), but I don't know. It's worth a shot, I think. Thoughts??

Complacent

I realize that there may be something to be said for you deciding where your life is going. There is something to be said for someone to determine how they may feel everyday. I could wake up everyday and make a conscious effort to just be be happy about everything in my life right now, no matter what. Easier said that done right? I hate that. At this point in my life, within the last...oh, I don't know...2-3 months I have been feeling very routine lately. There is nothing wrong with routine, but I guess I'm wondering if there is something more to life than what I'm doing this very minute. I have always loved where I lived, the people, the familiarity, everything. But not lately...even though I may still have just as many friends as I did before, I am feeling more lonely. I love my house, truly I do, but I'm just feeling ho-hum about it all. Perhaps this could be the Lord placing on my heart that a change is coming and a move will take place. I don't know. No idea where I would go, no desire to go anywhere at all. Maybe at my age, you just find yourself in these ruts. My relationship with God is good. I am on my knees, face in Scripture, seeking His will for my life constantly. But do you ever feel like even when you are doing all those things, you experience a silence? And you know that silence means something, but you have no idea what? Not a fan of that either. I suppose I will look back on this as a "growing time" in my life. Gotta hate that... :) Fake it to make it. That's how I feel my life is these days...insight??

They Weren't There

I was introduced to an artisit, well two actually that have been speaking volumes to me lately. Missy Higgins and Holly Brooks. They both know how to speak to a girl's hurting heart, that's for sure. My heart is definitely hurting. There have been a series of events that have happened to me this month that I am sure has something to do with growth or something to that effect. I just want the pain and agony to leave. So going back to these two ladies...my best friend introduced me to this song "They weren't there". I then also really love "Heavy". I try to limit how many times a day I listen to these songs because I have noticed that the music behind these amazing lyrics, does not help me to get out of a depressive state. Friends would be shocked to see me in this state that I am in. I have never been known to be a depressing person. I am normally a very upbeat, happy person. I have tried my hardest to shake out of this rut, but it is going to be the death of me, I swear. I have never felt more alone. I cry a lot. That could be taken as an understatement coming from a girl who cries at the drop of a hat, but it is more than usual. And it is the kind of crying that after a while you shove down but you know you aren't done. I normally have to shove it down though because my roommate will come home, or I am driving in the daylight and I don't want people to see. It doesn't help that this month is also the time that I lost my dad 3 years ago. That pretty much has put the icing on the cake. I'm getting off subject...back to the song. I find that circumstances that I have in my life, people never can see my perspective on it. I end up making enemies about my situations. They may try their hardest to see my point, but I know they don't. This song is an expression of that. People weren't in my situations. They don't have my feelings, my eyes, my heart. So to sum up, I grieve my dad and I also am grieving what I fear to be, a friend. I hate losing people in my life. It hurts. And especially when I have no control over it. I know that this is becoming more rambling than anything else, but what is the point of blogs.. :) Anyway, I'm pretty unsure about myself and what the future holds at the present. I do know that God is in all of it. I know that he is my comforter, and He loves me more than I could ever imagine. I don't really feel that love, but I know it's there. This is just a difficult time. Sorry for such a depressing post, but it's all I got at this point.

Guitars and Coffee

Tonight my friend had a show at a coffee shop. These times have started to become the times that I look most forward to. You never know who you are going to meet at these things, and plus the music in the background is awesome too! This particular friend, I am most proud of. I believe I have been to every show he has ever played since I met him and his talent never seems to old. I would even say that with every show, he gets better and better at it. The same songs are sung, and I love that I can sing along now too. It's moments like these that warm my heart. I can look around at a group of people most of whom I don't know, but they are all there to support the same person. Everyone is carrying in their own conversations, but no one is in a bad mood. Who goes to a concert in a bad mood?? Maybe someone, but a lot of the people I know, don't. At least not to local shows like this one. Everyone has a great time. I laugh and wonder if having thoughts like this make me sound like an old grandma. You know the kind of older ladies who end up just sitting back people-watching, not paying any attention to anyone in particular, just enjoying the moment. I like having those moments. If it makes me sound old, oh well! I am glad that I get to go to bed tonight feeling that I have lived today to its extent. And to my talented friend, keep on rocking out...I will never grow tired of hearing you play!! Love you and goodnight.

Shadows

I had a great epiphany come to me while I was sitting at work today. I am excited to be the shadow of my husband. I am not married now, and I can't say I want to be married tomorrow. I do think I have reached a point in my life where I know more about myself and I am ready to be in a relationship that is headed towards marriage. It's amazing how much more I feel I know about myself even from just last year. But I'm getting off track. I was gazing outside at all the trees around and the shadows from them that move as the wind moves the trees. And I started thinking about how with every minute of the day, those shadows move as the sun moves. It reminded me of a husband and wife. Shadows can be like seasons in life. I can use my friends as an example right now since I have so many that are near and dear to me. I love for my friends to be right beside me sometimes in things in my life...there is a point where you may be walking outside and your shadow is directly next to you. There are other times when you need friends to push you a little, and be behind you. Then I need times where I want to be the follower...you get the point. This is how I want to be for my husband. I know that most men want to know that no matter what, their spouse is going to stick beside them, but I like the thought that sometimes they need their wife to give them a little push and support and they always need to be the leader of the relationship. Just a thought I had today...and I liked it :)

Blue Skies

I am just in awe of how blue the sky can be. I feel as though with each new day, the sky can be a totally different shade of blue every time. I absolutely LOVE IT! I just finished putting me son-of-a-gun desk together in my new office. I decided to set up the desk so that I can look out the window at those blue ridge mountains. I have the window open so that I may breathe fresh air. It's awesome..truly awesome. Don't you love that little warm feeling you get in your heart when you can look out your window and just feel "home". I love that where I am right now....where I am living..it's home.

Daydream or God?

I will start staring off into space most of the time..ha...but my mind starts taking me down what I think might be daydreams. Sometimes I can really work myself up over nothing. I may reminisce about a past time, or think about things to come. But I'm starting to wonder if some of these things are actually God speaking to me. For instance, I start thinking about a person and decide to pray for them. I could pray for some specific that I may think is crazy. I could start praying for someone about traveling. I was thinking about someone the other day and starting praying that if God wanted to move them, as hard as it is for me to watch friends move away, for God to move them to where they would be happy and do His will. Later that day I find out that person had circumstances come up that could lead them to move. I remember as I was letting my mind go on about what life would be like without that person, I became really sad. I started getting to the verge of tears. I blinked a few times, and blamed it on the sad Dave Matthews song playing in the background. I started thinking how silly I was to pray about that, but I still did...Are my daydreams merely daydreams or still moments where I allow God to speak?? Either way it can be cool to see I prayed for something that could be taking place but then I also start to think I am going crazy. What do you think?